Been out of the house for almost a week. Had to spend time at the hospital. Call it capital punishment, call it selflessness, call it sacrifice. Had fun while I was at it, anyhow.
Been a month. But why are things going haywire now?
My parents are both out tonight. Just imagine how blissful I am right now, & will be for a few hours.
I'm hungry though. The leftover chocolate cookie bar in the chill section of the fridge doesn't really amuse me. I wish I were out tonight with my high school peers.
I miss all my old logs. My hard-earned mp3's. My sanity.
For the life of me, I'm at a loss, but I'm very much better now. *sigh*
Been a while since I've been here. A lot has transpired during the past few weeks. And I can't help wondering where is all this misery boiling down to.
I'm grounded once again. Been this same way last year. Hopefully not next year. This'll be the last straw, I vow to myself. Mom says I already burned down her last straw of patience for me. All I'm ever good at is being abominable.
There's this poem I keep re-reading til my eyes wince in pain. But I'd rather keep it to myself instead. Oh, well. Been loafing around here today like some crazed whining cynic ready to jump off a cliff and break her silly neck, in case she succeeds to come up ALIVE from the horrid fall.
I miss my bed. My room. My sleep routine. My sanity even.
For all it's worth, I love you, fUse. I always will. I'll do my best to work things out down here. I wouldn't even dare think of wanting to lose you ever. If forever does exist, I'd want to be there with you.
"None is so rich as to throw away a friend." --Turkish proverb
"Happy he who learns to bear what he cannot change." --Schiller
"Why not learn to enjoy the little things – there are so many of them." --Anon.
Moderation is fine when it comes to food, but don't let it get out of hand:
"Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it." --Allan Shivers
"A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch." --James Beard
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." --Redd Foxx
I've realized a lot of things lately about life... on love, friendship, family, self-preservation...
self-improvement...
And it all fuckin' hurts.
VIRTUAL INSANITY PART 3 - HOOK, LINE, & SINKER part 2
"Nature has made us frivolous to console us for our miseries." --Voltaire
"Its OK if you mess up. You should give yourself a break." --Billy Joel
"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation, for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company." --George Washington
"Grant me the courage not to give up, even though I think it's hopeless." --Admiral Chester W. Nimitz
"The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs." --Joan Didion
"A well-spent day brings happy sleep." --Leonardo da Vinci
"To find a friend one must close one eye. To keep him... two." --Norman Douglas
"I have learnt that I am me, that I can do the things that, as one might put it, me can do, but I cannot do the things that me would like to do." --Agatha Christie
"If you let fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient and thin."
--Katherine B. Hathaway
"The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as long as we live."
--Mortimer Adler
"A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work." --John Lubbock
"The aim of life is self-development, to realize one's nature perfectly." --Oscar Wilde
"People will feel safer around you and speak truthfully to you when they feel you are listening intently to them."
--Brian Koslow
"Never desert your own line of talent. Be what nature intended you for, and you will succeed." --Sydney Smith
"Each of us has some unique capabilities waiting for realization." --George H. Bender
"What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be." --Ellen Burstyn
"The happy people are failures because they are on such good terms with themselves that they don't give a damn."
--Agatha Christie
"Happiness comes uninvited: and the moment that you are conscious that you are happy, you are no longer happy." --J. Krishnamurti
"Nobody can bring you peace but yourself." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If you suppress grief too much it can well redouble." --Moliere
"Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on." --Frederic Chopin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." --James A. Garfield
"A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us." --Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I took walks for 2 succeeding nights. Needed to take a breather. I'm glad I was able to do so, with nice friends handling me in the process.
Legally Blonde's hella funny. Cute a la Clueless & Never Been Kissed.
Although I could say this was more inspiring than the latter.
I lost on my first round of gin rummy after so many months of not playing, which usually isn't the case, since I love this card game very much, but oh, what the heck. I guess that's just how it is sometimes. Especially now when I'm really cracking up & losing it.
shadowkat & I are getting to talk more often now. Lynne, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found. Just when I need her the most, argh, tsk.
Anyway, I missed Kathz... & it's great talking to her again about certain things, like our friendship & anxieties about life & love. I hope in due time we'd get to open up to each other again just like before. One thing's for sure - I love her & nothing will change that. Sure, I'm getting to be pissed off at her antics more often than not lately, but I still care. She may not feel how much I do for her, but everything remains to be so. I just need my space for now, though. I really don't think I can hold on much longer.
Maybe another long introspective walk would do the trick. Then again, I don't know.
the point: you live in a comfortable home, don't have to eat shit to digest food, weigh considerably less than 360, and have friends that love and defend you. not to mention
the joys of being an omnivore... hehehehe. of course tapirs are tapirs and you are you... but i know u get the point. :)
That's what my wacky fellow scatterbrain cow_dung_boy have thought about tapirs VS humans. He did have a great point about it, hehe. Sometimes even seemingly insipid things in life end up brimming with much-needed yet often overlooked insights.
VIRTUAL INSANITY PART 2 - HOOK, LINE, & SINKER part 1
Here are excerpts from an e-mail from the DRND mailing list.
These lines hit me in the head with a loud BONK.
...Each person who enters our life has a unique lesson to teach us. And it is only through these lessons that we learn about life, people, relationships and God.
When someone lies to you it teaches you that things are not always as they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know their heart. And remove your own masks to let people know yours.
When someone breaks your heart it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings will make up for all the past hurts put together. Times ten.
When a loved one is unfaithful to you it teaches you that resisting temptation is Man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant in your resistance against all temptation. By doing so you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted.
When someone ridicules you it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control.
When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die will your life have resulted in more loving or hurting? More comfort or pain? More joy or sadness? Each one of us has power over the balance of love in the world. Use it wisely. Don't miss an opportunity to nudge the world's scale in the right direction.
Boy, am I psyched. But one thing's for sure... riding a bus to the mall & back for plain kicks can absolutely clear up muddled thinking. Well, at least for an hour.
I have to get back into the habit of journal writing again to keep track of my diffused stream of consciousness. Oh, & I mean WRITING. /me grimaces
Here's another nice flick & keyword to follow for the proceeding posts & general babble: Osmosis Jones.
I can't wait for "Legally Blonde" & "Serendipity", though!
I've been wondering why some of them light, heartwarming, insightful movies are underrated. They should get a lot of publicity. People oughta learn more about them, & the lessons they behold. Sometimes you rediscover the most overlooked sensibilities in "flimsy"-themed motion pictures. Hooray for humor!
It's nice running into old friends again... I'm mighty glad I did. Somehow it helps keeping in touch with the past to revamp the present & cook up a more promising future.
Hopefully I'd get to gain that new day soon. I need all the back-up & guts I can have & muster. It's hard wobbling after stumbling hard with a loud thud to get back on track.
I think I need another long walk. To rearrange.
Which reminds me, my room needs an overhaul as well. But it's been ages since I've declared it to be so, & still haven't done anything much about it.
"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful what to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. On the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." -- Romans 12:17-20; NIV
(MOTD) = Fantastic Plastic Machine - Whistle Song
Do you know anyone else sporting a dainty yellow green transparent cellphone with its default *yellow green* backlight? /me ponders... *snicker*
I wanna go clubbing. I want another shot of Hazelnut Cappuccino zagu shake. I wanna grubtrip on KFC.
Gott Sie Dank for diversions like this. I miss my old pastime.
My life is going nowhere fast, & yet as of now I can't do anything much about it. But I hope things turn for the better... my whole future depends on what will happen by the end of the semester. Being "dislodged" from school is the pits. I miss my old, sprightly self reeeeaaaaaal baaaaaaaaad.
Kath & I decided to trip to the mall at the last minute last night. She wanted to watch "Heartbreakers" - & I'm mightly glad we did. It was a totally thought-provoking movie presented in a very light, casual, comical way... much like "Bedazzled", shown a few months earlier. However, if it weren't for the rather torrid kissing scenes, rampant stiffy shots, plunging necklines, tight dresses, dangling long legs, & innuendos, I would probably be really satisfied. I mean, the whole shyt was just too much for a comic flick, IMO. But then again, the plot calls for such takes - I've seen worse stuff pulled off, anyway.
All that food-tripping wasn't enough, though, to keep me sober last weekend. Had too much cake, experimented with bagoong + tinola, pigged out on arroz caldo a few minutes before hitting the sack, & gobbled up the rest of the carbonara heaped in macaroni. Lynne came over & stayed for 24 hours or so. I managed to keep my word to shadowkat for showing up last Saturday night. Lynne & Kath were with me - & boy, we weren't in our usual selves back then.
My good ol' bud McCoy called up oh-so unexpectedly last week, when my sis & I decided to trip on Japanese [food]. My bro took the call for me the first time. The three of us sibs got so sick of cali maki. Sheesh. But the torikatsu was superb.
But before that, I dragged my kid brother to see "The Princess Diaries" last Wednesday. I was dying to check that one out the very first time I caught sight of its wacky trailer & promotional ads in the mall along my locale. I have to admit I've seen better stuff than this flick, but it was hella fun seeing it nevertheless. I have the feeling that Sonny [what I'd usually call him] would probably duck for cover the next time I tag him along to watch a movie after school. He's been enduring "sissy" movies with me ever since we watched "Atlantis"... poor boy, heh. My kid sis nor anyone else couldn't go with me, so Sonny'll make do. It's nice bonding with him anyway, from time to time.
My best friend shadowkat gave me a cute Taz of Looney Tunes throw pillow the day before the movies... I didn't expect she'd drop by, & we had to settle for shanghai rice + pancit canton for lunch. We chatted lightly, updating each other on what we've been into the past few days of absence. I had to drop her off in turn at her place that night, since it was getting rather scary of her going home alone around such hours. We had spaghetti & beef sopas for dinner there, & she shared with me her anxieties in love, romance, friendships going stale, school, & self. It was a rather meaningful conversation, compared to all the others I've spent bumming around with her this year, as far as I can remember. Hmmm... oh, well. I feel sick & diminishing, too. Death would be a pretty good release of tension, methinks.
Sometimes I feel like a real lamer... this is one of those times. There's a debate going on in #atheismsucks (DALnet), & I'm all dumbfounded. I mean, I can keep track of what their conversation is all about - the difference between ethics & science, & everything else thrown in - but I just dunno exactly what to say. They use all these highbrow words that an average person wouldn't use on a regular basis. All I can do is ogle... & learn. Hmmmmmmm.
"Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning." --Marlo Thomas
"Word of the Day!"
Torpor (n.) sluggish activity; lethargic indifference; apathy
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction."
---E. F. Schumacher
Out of sight, out of mind. That's what happened ever since the last time I got to talk to HIM. I'm glad I've been off his case after that, & the deluge of other preoccupations made it oh-so easier. Finally I'm free of all binding pathetic emotions - I'm back to square one, floating haplessly & haphazardly along the waves of Fate. I've grown terribly passive & hollow over the weeks.
Then here he comes back barging in the scene. I treat him casually, dishing out rather detailed stories on how's it been ever since we've talked & sufficient replies to his queries. It's the least I can do - after all, I didn't make the first move this time to say hello. I'm a bit hyper tonight, too; getting a real kick out of Rush Hour 2 & iced coffee. He manages to discourse with me for an hour or so, with the little breaks he manages to squeeze in between chats. I pity him at the same time applaud him for his superb effort of being disgustingly yet smoothly hypocritical... I saw it coming, anyway. I guess all user-friendly jerks are like that. I can't be totally that much of an asskisser, though. It's hard faking it, even if I'm in dire need of help from anyone I just can't stand but need to suck up to. Funny how today's "session" turns out to be our best conversation this time around, post-partnership era. It was crappy though, when he again had to blow my bubble after I got carried away blabbering bullshit (blame it on Chris Tucker, Eddie Murphy in Shrek, my upcoming birthday, & caffeine for dinner). Maybe he's now thinking, 'damn, Abbee never learns, does she? What a loser.' Well, look who's talking. What a jackass. I wouldn't resort to strategies like his - unless it ain't a mere ploy at all. Maybe there's some sincerity to it all along, & I'm just being stuck-up paranoid. I may help him out despite everything, but then again, this matter needs more discernment than ever. He's got a long way to prove himself nowadays... bah, the hell do I care?! I've got no time for scumbags like him anymore. He wasted everything I had & that was for him. Tsk. I'm moving on now. And I VERY MUCH mean it. But I'll take his word for this: I better move out of this hellhole fast, if I still want to make my dreams of pursuing photography, culinary arts, oil painting, & putting up a Japanese-style home come true.
Too bad things didn't have to work out the way they should've been. I'm not regretting, though. It's OK. That's how Life is basically, crazy & screwed-up & all that.
To HIM: Y'know wut, I'm just being nice. Don't think of me being too eager to gain your attention & affection again. Remember, you started it. And y'know me - I try to be as plucky & vibrant as I can, especially when I'm reeeeeeeaaaaaaally manic & up for it, especially when it comes to confronting you. As a civil human being, I can only wish you luck now in your endeavors. Sorry if I come on too strong whenever you chance on running into me. It just so happens that I'm extra perky everytime you do. So, there. So long. `Nuff sed.
I wish this would happen to me, too. But as of the moment I'm too burned out for guys, & I'm pickier with girls. I dunno what I am, really... (don't take this seriously... I'll regret saying this by the time I'd get to read this again as I wake up later.) I guess I'm just too "neutral" all over again, so to speak. I need a break. 1999's horror is happening all over again, most probably, with the dreadful gloomy days brought upon by the wretched downpours... & my (re)growing lack of zest for school. I hope I don't get to end up as screwed up as the last time.
I've been wondering... I'm growing uglier & sloppier every single fuckin' day & I don't care that much at all anymore. What happened to my plans of working it all out by September to look utterly fab by January, for the tonloads of pictures I'll be taking before I'd get to FINALLY get over with school? I hate myself. These anxieties are getting the best of me & I hate it. I really need to cover everything up before Saturday. NEED, NEED, NEED! REALLY-REALLY-REALLY! Crap. /me bonks herself
There's so much write-ups to work on... I have to figure out how to come up with a two-paged report on how the film editing on "Bless The Child" was done. I've seen the movie half a dozen times now, & all that sticks to my head is how the close-ups, lighting, & the musical score was timed to make the scenes all "spooky" & "thrilling". I just love stuff like this. Best occultic flick ever yet, methinks. *rolls eyes* Could there be some truth to this kinda stuff at all? /me shivers *cough*
Other topics I'll be working on are: the websites I've chosen to feature for the school paper, a review of GoRillaZ, my editorial column (on growing up, being real & standing up for oneself), & maybe a review on Shrek (a totally splendidly hilariously fun movieeeeeee!) & BJsD. Whatever. I have to start writing by lunchtime... & come up with other ditties for Drained. kaistah promised me it'll be up as soon as our host gets back from San Ramon, I think.
Maybe I should really focus on my writing, & see where it gets me soon. After all, this is the one thing I'm pretty natural with.
As for today's MOTD, I've seen its video - pretty slick psychedelic piece of shyt, heh.
I think I have to call in sick today, but today's the big day for me to deliver my report. I better make it so by Friday I can take my overdue prelim exam & move on with my life slowly yet surely to midterm world. Exams are slated on the 6th, as far as I know, & I have to settle things with my other subjects, like film class, OCS, Japanese, radio production, PR, & computer competency by this week. Dear Lord, help me out. After the seemingly long weekend break brought upon by the St. Augustine Feast Day celebration in school, I feel actually much better. However, "regular programming"'s at it again. I have to face the gang later & make sure they're not harboring anything ill against me hehe. And yet I dun think I can make it.
Spent almost the whole day yesterday snoozin' my brains out, as well as feasting on butter & cheese popcorn & fries. The damn PC drives had to be defragged, but I didn't mind anyway. After all, last night I was completely bushed.
Damn, it's raining all over the place again. But I like the drizzle. I wish it'd be this way til my class ends at 6pm. I wish I had friends to keep me company. Maybe I'll go watch Bridget Jones' Diary later. Or tomorrow. Dunno. (Man, I'm losing it again.)
Jeepers, now the sun's up once more. Talk about fickle-minded.
I slept the whole day away... damn chilly weather making me curl up & die in slumber. Then I died in Archmage... (fuck you, gokou!!!) just when I was about to finish completing researching Armageddon & be a full-fledged mage. SHYT.
There's something about last night's Futurama episode & rerun of Broken Arrow on local TV - they both eerily say how weird it is that something trivial can be both such a nuisance & an invaluable find, with not much regards to the saying, "One man's junk is another man's treasure". Leela's "Nibbler" is this seemingly harmless little animal saved from a soon-corroding planet, which turns out to be a pesky voracious carnivore that eats up all of the other fauna species Leela's team was supposed to bring with them aboard the ship - & also turns out to be excreting "Dark Material", highly-prized starship fuel. Creepy li'l critter, if you ask me. Christian Slater, on the other hand, gets to team up with Samantha Mathis to retrieve 4 nuclear weapons from a greedy, mutineering John Travolta & cohorts... just as what he's supposed to do, to save Utah & uphold what he has learned in the military. Nuclear warheads getting in the wrong hands isn't exactly such a great idea.
I'll discuss more of them later. For now, I have to start cooking stewed chicken with pineapple, abalone mushrooms & cream for later's lunch. Gotta head off to school in a few hours.
PRE-BIRTHDAY JITTERS AND OVERALL LOW PRESSURE AREA ANXIETY
(MOTD) = Psychotica - Ice Planet Hell
I tried to catch up on sleep & the rain made it totally comfy for me to hibernate for the rest of the week. However, it got too damn cold for me to be really mobile & productive - READ: sane - so it turned out to be a pretty damn soggy weekend for me.
I got to finish my due-last-week [READ: again, overdue] report in Org Comm last Wednesday, though - & I'm slated to deliver it along with my prepared damned case analysis on the same day this week. So far, so good. I now have to clean up my act before the midterm exams... after all, I still have pending prelim grades on some subjects, like OCS & FL. (Sheesh, I dun sound so worried with my other majors, duncha think?)
Too bad I couldn't make it to the choir fest last Friday. Well, I know I'm not really of loss there, so what the heck. Blame it on the rain once more. At least I gained newfound friends amidst the ruckus, & the kids were able to perform well despite the uberhectic schedule. /me sighs in relief
As of now, I'm losing sleep over worrying what to do for my birthday next month & where could've my trusty techpen gone to. I really need to come up with something... especially after vowing to myself that such an occasion will be the onset for my ongoing, steady albeit wobbly quest for change. It's hard racking my brains on how come I have yet a long way to go to reach "success" & "independence" at the age of 25. I've now adjusted my time frame until when I'm 30... & hopefully, by that time, I can live my own life in a Japanese art-inspired home writing reeeeeaaaaaaally worthwhile stuff, or venturing out oil-painting & photography. Tough luck. Who cares about being lonely - when I have M-O-N-E-Y?! Hopefully by that time, too, I'm stable enough to really come up with my own moolah.
Speaking of "dough" - I gotta have ample of that stuff. I'm thinking of serving carbonara for the gang, plus my favorite drinks for them to try out. Forget about staple punch - I'm introducing SubZer0, Mule, & fruit-flavored water to be occasional fare at simple, closed-knit, yet rather mundane gatherings. I'm cutting down beer to a minimum. After all, the guzzles I'm preparing aren't low-down cheap to procure! If they can't do with water, they'll have to stick to peach iced tea or Hawaiian Punch in cans. (mmm mmm!) Then there's the cake to worry about, plus the potato chips for us to dig in while either watching Final Fantasy or whatever else they can bring to see on VCD. I'm going to make this party spe-cial, yesiree. I even have my "party list" ready for the big day... (uhm, it's just a lousy mp3 playlist for the kids to dig) *sigh* I hope to pull this off nicely soon. I need a break. I guess it's time. If you have other bash suggestions, feel free to tell me all about it. In case you know any more ways to keep in touch with me, please do so. By all means.
Anyway, I'm thinking of kicking things off on the last Saturday next month. I've always had more fun on the succeeding days rather than on the day itself.
Fuck, I hope it doesn't rain again by then, though.
Stuffed myself up a few hours ago... am still feeling full from the pig-out. Got pepped up - after 48 hours of bullshit sluggishness - thanks to this ooh-la-la delectable seafood chowder at Josephine's... which isn't such a far drive away from our place. Had 2 botts of Mule after, plus more grub. Maybe I should be thankful for another family night-out. However...
I still have a report to work on for later's class... damn school life. With my recurring backsliding to the "other side", it's getting harder for me to concentrate on my work. Anyways, I hope to hear from HER tomorrow.
I promised to the gang yesterday while we were playing Icebreaker I'd make it on time to school from then on. I think I really should keep my word. My whole academic career for this sem & year depends largely on it. Besides, there's so much work to do - like the chorale formation, managing ed biz, make-up tests, & dang, my pending Org Comm report with Hydz - starting tomorrow first thing in the morning.
Another funny thing happened to me last night: watching a rerun of Addicted to Love & the making of Bridget Jones' Diary made my life somewhat flash kaleidoscopically before my eyes. It sure was real crappy being sappy, after a heavily emotionally-taxing month or so with adjusting to my new school life, but it sure paid off. I'm beginning to get a grip on myself more now.
Sleep is one damn good luxury I just can't afford lately. Being broke is one thing... getting high-strung due to lack of a good snooze is another. I think I'll hang on to them sweetly soothing kretek sticks for a li'l while longer.
If there's one thing I can't stand - it's not getting things done my way, or not acquiring the stuff on time I so desperately just got to have right then & there. Fuck Fate.
I need my old cp back. Quick.
Speaking of cp's... I just love my 426's new case & keypad. But I'll get something else better soon. After all, the new black housing ain't really mine to begin with. My real nice kid bro loaned it to me after he got this wicked purple-&-powder blue cover, which his unit's nasty blue backlight highlights [and I mean HIGH LIGHT!] swankily.
/me drools...
Got a shot of last weekend's affair. I gave a scanned copy of it to like, around 5 people now. They all think I look "pretty" (ack!) there. Should I take their lies, errr, word for it?
This weather's killing me. Good thing I've got Lynne & Candy back in my room now. Dammit, I'm tired stuffing myself up with junk grub, too - & eating dinner during mornings then sleeping it all off til lunchtime, til I'm too late to go to class in the afternoon.
*SIGHHHHHHH* I need a break. I'm too broke for anything else now... too tired to study for my overdue exams. Then I just couldn't play Archmage when I'm totally raring to do so. Maybe I should go ahead & die today.
At last, the whole Gala Night - acquaintance party is over! I actually had a bit of fun the last time... but I just can't take it that until the very last minute my mom had to screw up the affair! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!
I'll try to post pictures here... if ever. Oh, well.
Been very, very tired... been 2 nights running since I missed out on dinner as I went straight to bed after school... been sore yet utterly diffused... nevertheless, I'm just fine.
Hung out with Lyn yesterday afternoon... I feel guilty for altering her plans to visit her beau earlier than the time we decided to pack up, but I guess it's OK, since we really needed to bond badly. The heat yesterday was just too draining; thought I wouldn't be able to make it. Had to oversee the preliminary screening of Choral Fest participants for the St. Augustine Feast Day next month, in lieu of Ma'm Pam. Anyways, I'm glad to be working with her this semester. I sure hope the whole choir thingy would work out well later. Which reminds me, I have to be in school by lunch time today.
I unhappily flunked my 2nd quiz in FL... thought I could make it to having half of the total score... too bad didn't work out that way. Pathetic. But then again, I dun take it so badly. It's just a clear, in-my-stuffed-up-face sign that I should exert more effort lengthening my attention span, patience, & determination rate. I'll be taking make-up quizzes in OCS & Org Comm later. Then the dreaded oral exam in Japanese... *groan* Dammit, I need a break!
Was late for several days this week. Hope to make it on time this time. Don't want to appear "unprofessional".
Am getting more & more hooked to STP by the minute, by the way.
Friday was the pits. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, & ended up late for all my other classes. Good thing we didn't have PR or FL - or else I would've freaked out! I missed out on my quizzes on OCS & OrgComm... bummer.
Good thing Jane wasn't able to take the quiz last Wednesday! Now I can sure team up with her later. Damn, uh-oh, I just remembered... the class is supposed to have a graded oral exam today til Friday. Hmmm, might as well slate my sched for that on the last day.
Pre-Prelims activities suck! Plus the ruckus regarding our Gala Night due next weekend isn't making me feel any better. Have to finalize plans on my gown, shoes, make-up, means & time to get to the venue, programme to deliver, partner for the programme, & WHOOOPS!!!! The waiver for all LIA students for that momentous night! ARGH.
Today will be another long, hectic day. I have to come up with feature articles for publication due next month. Well, the drafts for that are easy, but with the waiver thingy - that's an entirely different story.
Hung out with Kathz just before I headed home. A headache surfaced right after.
Fixed my stuff for school last night. Bummed out the whole weekend - again. We weren't able to go online; problems connecting to the local ISP arose. That's OK, at least I was able to think about other pending stuff, like rewriting my lectures & reviewing for a tonload of make-up quizzes due later.
Boyyyyyy, am I so drained. And to make things worse, feelings of being hung-up are still present.
If I were to die this mornin'
Would you tell me things that you wouldn't have?
Would you be my navigator?
Would you take me to a place we could hide?
As I'm fallin' out
I wonder what I lost
Must be movin' on
Know I'll be waitin' here alone
I wanna ask you to forgive me
I haven't been the best with all that I had
Wish I'd only lay beside you
I think I spread myself a little too thin
As I'm fadin' out
I don't feel anything at all
Think I'm movin' on
Know you'll be safe but not alone
You're the everything
That led me to believe,
"Hold on, hold on"
You're the wonder in everything that's wonderful.
"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm." --- Colette
That's why despite the crap in this online journal I'm still up for it. Keeping this actually makes me focused on things. Makes me wanna wake up & sit in front of the puter just about everyday babbling trivialities.
Don't get me wrong, though. I basically don't want to make this utterly trashy, but then again, with my current state of being busy yet heavily procrastinating in school, home, & with my torturous mental spiral - this is what you get. A flimsy recollection of the things I've done collectively for the past few days.
I always want to come up with better stuff to say... like give an insightful run-down of the things, events, & encounters with people that have made me reflect on my present life & what I want to do when I get older & finish school. However, with the fatigue, everyday worries, & other inevitable distractions - I can hardly remember how to put everything all in one little neat literary package. Matters like that shouldn't be just transcribed right then & there. Care on how I'm supposed to relate such should be observed. I dunno, but that's how I see it should be.
I hope to present something more palatable after prelims... by that time, I'm halfway through with all the fuss that's keeping me down & edgy ever since school started.
Still can't sleep. Am so hyper. I'm off to start the day with a few chores - preparations for school later included. I'm getting a big kick out of my MOTD.
I promised Pam I'd sit in her class with the gang later. I sure hope to make it FINALLY there this afternoon.
Ohhhh, for the love of God I need to learn how to RELAX! /me is hella jittery
So I profess to be a big STP fan. I have all their albums, from my high school anthem miscellany Core to the recent No.4 project. Even though I haven't got any other single item brazenly declaring to the whole wide world to state how much I'm into them (I have a Pearl Jam "ALIVE" keychain though, clipped to my backpack to "designate" my passion for the grunge "lifestyle" - talk about poserlewzer stuff!), I'm still hooked. I think they're the greatest ever. Never mind the other, "kewler" bands around in the industry. I'd do just about anything to see `em live & kickin' ass onstage here in local shores. As in, anything.
My sis excitedly blurted out the news of their new vid & album which was launched last month in the U.S. How come I never heard of it, I wondered out loud to her. I must be this too caught up with everyday affairs. I'm soooo low on sleep lately that even glutaphos isn't working any effect upon me! Anyway, I can hardly wait to find out the developments for myself. I heard the carrier single over NU a few days ago. Who can ever miss Scott Weiland's raspy, searingly engulfing vocals & the trademark STP sound as a whole that the band had impressed on their music? However, I wasn't so sure if it were actually them doing the track, alright. Didn't expect a follow-up to their fourth LP come out so soon.
I have to get my hands on their new dish-out. So on Staind's.
At last, I'm once again overly passionate on something else. Somewhat.
Monday, back from the dead
I’m letting it go, back for another one
Tuesday, shoot me in the head
I’m takin’ it back , takin’ it back
I’ll take it back
Wednesday, she’s lookin’ for a friend
She’ll get what she wants
Can’t seem to get enough
Thursday, it’s more than I can stand
I’m holdin’ her down, holdin’ her down
She’s down again
I gotta find a way to find her
Where could she be?
Four days of the week
She thinks I’m the enemy
One day, left me for dead
Woke up on the floor, time for another one
Two days, she’s leavin’ me again
Can’t take it no more
Out through the open door
Three days, she’s found herself a friend
She got what she wants
Still never get enough
Four days she’s back with me again
She’s pullin’ me down, pullin’ me down
I’m down again
Monday’s gone
Tuesday’s fadin’
Wednesday’s gone
Thursday’s all but wasted now...
I failed to woke up early today. When I woke up around 10am, I decided to cocoon in bed for all the hell they care. I slept well, I guess. I got up around 5pm.
Kathz called me up. Well at least I felt better. She'll be going online in an hour, so I might as well wait up for her.
Rica & Natty just beeped in, too. Lyn did as well, while I was asleep this afternoon. But I still feel hazy.
Mom & Sonny got home from the local mall. Damn, I wish I went along with them.
Dinner... hmmmmmm. I might as well work on my case analysis due on Monday & notes on Japanese numbers.
MONDAY. We were all geared up to go overnight for the following day's feeding program at a public school in a depressed area. It was a yearly affair of our organization, so we had no choice but to get set. It was a fun night anyway, with the gang pepped up with bonding stories. How nice to hear them think highly of me all along, & to let them know how much I regard them as well. I just hope we'd stay this way til we'd all lead separate lives.
I had to brace myself for our very first ever pop quiz in Nihongo in 2 days. Then there was the case study to read in Org Comm & the report to worry about. Then we skipped classes in OCS to have our permits ready for the outreach program. Man, I was tired but excited to join the gang for a day.
TUESDAY. Jim & I only had 2 hours of sleep... I could hardly wait to go to class after the feeding program. I brought some cam film along, worth only 12 shots, though - and 4 PSX fighting game CD's: Rival Schools, Bust-A-Groove 1 & 2, Pocket Fighters. We all left MJ's place to cook at Aljoe's around 5:30, & played video games after helping the latter's mom a bit with preparing stuff for the yummy sopas. I hafta admit I ate a damn lot at Aljoe's (& yeah, his mom's the tops!) - but it sure paid off, cause we were all beat after the gig! My party of five was there, along with a few cohorts: Kamil, Jopie, Gie, & Phen. The grade school kids were oh-so cute! Being nice & happy & stuff. I wish we could have a program like this at least every month. I think I might want to be a teacher there too when I'm all stable enough to do so.
When I got home around lunchtime, I was so stinking & bushed that I got late for film class. The long-overdue assignment that we had was taken into account as a quiz since my classmates failed to pass them that day. It wasn't so bad, except for the fact it was hard racking my brains if I was feeling like I was half-dead. Then I managed to attend our computer fundamentals class, which was totally... @#$%^&@!!! But it was all gewd. I had the time of my life. I was dead tired.
WEDNESDAY. I woke up dazed & confused, with my uniform & the lights still on! Good thing we didn't have any classes again in OCS & PR, & yet the case study in Org Comm was due on the next 2 days. I could die at that moment with my Nihongo test in a matter of hours. With all the luck I have in the world, I've managed to run into my FL professor on our way to recess, & I felt sicker than ever. The test went fairly well... despite my inability to remember the Japanese terms for building, church, & baggage, hehehe. Oh, & not to mention what do itterasshai & dewa mata/ja mata mean. Remind me never to take any test without getting ample sleep beforehand. (Can I go ahead & die now?)
Jammed at Kathz's anyway, with Lyn whoohoo!!! Oh, well. Kathz has all the luck. After their Mandarin class was dissolved, they were required to take Nihongo too. They have this really, really nice prof who not only taught about the language but the culture per se. Friendly, knowledgeable, & approachable, classes under her would surely have fun learning damn FL. *sigh*
THURSDAY. Another tiring, T-I-R-I-N-G day. We had no classes whatsoever but I spent the whole day roaming to & fro the darned campus halls looking for our club advisers & the rest of the gang. I had more permits to secure & lists to make. Fuck. I ate a lot in school & still I was drained of all energy. So when I went home that night I was so sore all over I actually forgot all about the case study we had to present the next day...
FRIDAY. Woke up around 2:30 a.m., after realizing I fell asleep after typing in club documents & missing out on the whole case analysis outline. I reread the case & finally (yeah, FINALLY!) understood the damned write-up. But I wasn't able to finish the 'bloody' outline for the written report... couldn't help but snooze after making & eating breakfast. I missed out on radio production & Org Comm like crazy, & was late for OCS. But it wasn't at all that bad. We finally had PR & realized that the "decision sequence framework" was more like the SWOT analysis outline. Darnit. How clueless can we get?!
For FL we have to memorize all these damn numbers, prepare on a quiz for Wednesday next week, & on Friday review for our graded recitation due on the 23rd. Sheesh. Then a week after that, prelim exams are all out for us. Fuckin a. It's all quite easy; however, I can't help be perplexed with everything.
Bonded with Jim & Aljoe after. Missed Lyn & Kathz. Went home with some of the LIA3 kids. Logged in the "pit" shortly after & up to now I'm still here.
FRIDAY. Our prof in PR had to call in sick but he sure did leave an assignment to discuss on Monday. We had no classes basically to make way for the society's official organization's elections... & a Mass was held in honor of 1st Friday. We were at the IMC the whole time; FL classes were postponed, I think.
The whole gang made it to the top 6 positions in the organization... from President to Treasurer. Oh, count in Phen, who became Assistant Treasurer. I became the Secretary for this term - my highest office bagged ever in my entire school life in our home society. I became P.R.O. for 2 years, which I have to admit wasn't much of my priority back then. I had bigger positions & problems at hand, like my presidencies [hahaha] in the Science & English Clubs, as well as the supreme student council. ^-^ Now I'm all out focusing on this baby, my home department society. Too bad we guys couldn't hold a decent victory grouping afterwards; MJ had to leave with her boyfriend. But the rest of us sauntered in McD's, since Charo was hungry to the point of throwing vehement fits on the spot if we didn't bother to join her eat before we all went home.
I stayed at Kathz's... Sean's finally 6 months old, so that means I can now cuddle him in full force ehehe. Marivic was there, & we went home full & hyper.
Too bad at home I had to bear Mom's beratings. Some people just have all the luck, tsk.
WEDNESDAY. The gang & I plus Phen were at Aljoe's yesterday - feasting on popcorn as well as on Marvel VS Capcom, X-Men Mutant Academy, & Tekken 3 on PSX. The typhoon made the day dreary & gusty, but it was all good. We had fun nonetheless. I almost didn't make it to school because Dad advised me not to anymore, but I insisted. shadowkat & cohorts hopped to the mall shortly before lunch. There was a power outage when we all went home around 8pm, that lasted for 4 hours or so. I decided to go to sleep immediately after, letting a tealight candle out flicker longer before I snoozed out.
YESTERDAY. Did almost nothing. The weather was still cold; the day seemed lifeless. Still got in touch with Kathz, Lyn, & Shy via Candy. Got so bummed out, though - my 426 ran out of credits. Sonny was so bent on re-reinstalling WinMe that it took us forever to get a hold of the puter again. The kids & I ate cheeseburgers & fries for dinner - had yummy cake for dessert. Sheesh. I felt like I was floating along the premises.
We finally saw ourselves on TV. But there were cuts so we didn't get to see ourselves screw up, errr, speak up in front of thousands of viewers. Bummer. Oh, well. At least we were seen clapping our hands out at the ending of the show. (duh?!)
/me eats up... catches up on skipped dinner last night
YESTERDAY. Was late again for OCS. Good thing MJ beeped me a few minutes before I decided to leave for school. I was so damn klutzy when I got there... having my grip slip out on the Toblerone bar MJ handed me before PR class, & having tuknene sauce smudged over the left corner of my mouth when Kathz, Marky, Bhabes, & Cel saw me in the cafeteria. Nah, it's OK anyway. Lack of sleep sure makes people doggone slow & stupid.
Nihongo class turned out to be pretty super. Can you just imagine the luck I'm having in this class? My past fucked-up recitations went UNrecorded, so... you do the math! YAHOOHEEHEYYYYY!!!! \o/ Now I'm really getting the hang of it all! The lessons are coming on easy... all I have to do is to be less distracted & more attentive. My chances for passing FL 411 this sem are up again!
I talked to Dad the moment I got home. It was nice how unwinding with him outside felt great. You see, I told him almost everything that was happening to me... my school fuss, woes with friends - even my loser love life! Like he cares. But somehow he does, & that's what all that matters.
TODAY. Reinstalling usual programs & setting up files in new order isn't a breeze. WinMe has its downsides too, but oh, what the heck?! WinMe still is keWL!
Spent time with Kathz, Marky & Bhabes again at the cafeteria. Good thing I had no film & computer class to worry about. I rewrote my lectures on PR & FL, made chika with my kumpareng Kuya Joel, & brooded over things.
This blogpage is best viewed with IE 5.5 & WinMe, with a 1024 x 768 screen resolution. Just wanna plug shamelessly. ^-^
Finished making breakfast *again* for my kid brother. I even roused him up awake since I think he's getting pretty late for school today, to no avail. I'm lacking sleep too. But at least I cleared up the kitchen somewhat & cleaned up the place a bit. Ohmigod, I have yet to write down my assignment in film class! Like, what's my favorite movie ever (& most hated flick as well). Hmmm... I'd better eat up first before getting down to business.
I'm still racking my brains on how to make my archives work. Darn FTP bullshit.
The rain must be the main culprit for screwed-up cp network data transmission. Lag time rates are around 4-6 hours. Egad.
If you're thinking of gift ideas to kids... here are my top 2 of them strongly & vehemently TABOOED as CURSED ITEMS (think Friday the 13th on TV):
1) Magic Sand - costs around Php259 per color & Php700 for all 4 colors. If you want your children to explore & express creativity, opt for something less messy & more compact instead. Go for coloring books & crayons, Play-Doh, Magic Slates, Fisher-Price stuff, & the ever-durable Lego blocks set.
2) Toy guns - with the rampaging local terrorism & shooting escapades in academic institutions in Japan & the US, we might as well be more rational with exposing our young'uns to blatant violence. You want them getting all the action they can get without letting them actually simulate bloodshed & war? Give `em comic books. And I don't mean Funny Komiks! Or copies of OVA's of Samurai X, Gundam X/W, Dragonball Z, & other animé action series. Or action figures of their favorite cartoon superhero/archvillain/underdawg. Hmmm... maybe a Sony Playstation console with cd's of trancey rpg's & versus games would appease them too. Or install CounterStrike & Quake 3 in your pc! Hell, there are more ways than one to entertain a kid violence junkie!
Other items banned are any sharp object or corrosive that can puncture skin & eyes. Board games should be presented out sparingly, especially if there are tokens & other items that are flammable & minute enough to be swallowed unwittingly. Give model/hardware kits & Swiss knives to high schoolers & boy scouts. 8-year-olds are NOT to be trusted with such stuff. Staple toys such as Barbie & other kinds of dolls, kitchen sets, yoyos, balls, & pogo sticks are highly recommended. If giving bikes, rollerblades, &/or skateboards - make sure kids can use them in a conducive environment for such sport, & that parental guidance should be oftentimes exercised.
Please be guided accordingly with today's Toy Advisory. Save lives. Sleep better. Enjoy life to the fullest.
But then again, you can always protect your child from anything except HIS very own SELF.
Mom was probably upset with a lot of things... like Dad. She had to take it out on me while she was driving me to school this afternoon. Tsk, why does she have to tell me such? Just when Dad & I were talking sensibly again. Last night was one of the best conversations ever I had with my father pa naman. The way my mother talked about Dad was rather awful. She made me think twice about how he really felt about his children... his family. Somehow I'll just have to ponder over what she's trying to say... even most of the time her comments are that of someone closed-minded.
We had no classes in all our majors. Oh, anyway, I got to revise my load by adding up PR to my schedule. I attended Nihongo, though. More guy gakusei's came in. The progression flowed more easily... although I screwed up again by having to attempt thrice to answer Sono katano namae wa Abogado-san desu ka, pertaining to Jane, who was seated beside me. Jovan sat with us, too. Yay, now there are 3 of us sitting on the frontmost row. I forgot all about the ~no part... *sigh* But at least I managed to say, with my sensei's reminder on the ~no element: Kono katano namae wa Abogado-san dewa arimasen. {Jane}-san desu. Jane was also able to recite correctly in class. WHEW. I think I'm finally getting the hang of learning Japanese. ^-^ /me braces herself for more action
We finally guested on national TV! I wouldn't really want to spill the details... but I had fun, even if I lost valuable hours of beauty sleep due to researching about the topic designated for the taping. The male host, show director, & young, bubbly coordinator were oh-so kick-ass NICE! Thanks. The rain didn't do much dampening to our spirits, much to my relief. I was so hyper backstage that I utterly fizzed out on the actual shoot.
I'm glad I was able to see Kathz, Marky, & Lyn before the bus left. Oh, well. Just when I've got something really important to do, all of my favorite people show up.
And I'm SOOOOOO glad for this day, too. I've learned a lot of things in a nutshell... some of them I had to relearn, some to UN-learn. Thank God for clearing my mind.
Yikes. I almost forgot... I was supposed to board on the same bus home last night with my former school crush, but instead I freaked out & ran away! Kathz laughed at the whole scenario. I had a hard time breathing after all the panicking I did. Darn, darn, darn. Can you just imagine the folly of the whole story?! Sabagay, if I boarded on the same bus with him... I would've gone completely NUMB. Frozen in my seat. Dead on the spot.
But funny how I'm smitten with somebody else in school... I have 3 minor crushes this sem, yahooheehey! Oh, well. I'll keep mum about them, though! Down with crappy fast-fleeting, superficial mush. I still am not over the past... oh, fuck the past. The past that somehow promised so much more than the future that never was... (haha, I'm recalling my past blogs here. Ack.)
Got late for OCS. Yikes, I never realized there were SOOO many of us enrolled in our class! We all had to squeeze ourselves in the school administration's convent's convention center, which was awfully HARD... so I had to remain standing along with Jim & some other boys from the Engineering department. We couldn't use our usual room [at the Instructional Media Center] because the morning speech class schedules were already assigned at the latter. The new Speech Lab's still under construction, so we have to all make do with everything available for now. I forgot to tell you that our regular classroom has been renovated from an insipid underdeveloped lab to a fully-furnished, state-of-the-art [well, we'll see about that when it's completely finished] studio. Now we're all having trouble where would we be spending the rest of our classes in in the near future.
My film class teacher would also be handling our OCS sessions. She encouraged me again, just like yesterday's meeting, to finally clean up my act & that the department needs "my kinda stuff", hehe. Whoohoo. Oh, well. That was a sure-fire morale-boosting relief. That made my day. Be it known that from hereon, I would never, EVER fail to attend her classes for this sem. Unless something really tricky came up, of course - like I got sick with chickenpox or got ran over by a 10-wheeler (God oh-so forbid!)... or anything else remotely like what I've cited.
I've managed to talk to our Dean if I could retake my radio production & organizational communication subjects, & advance to PR writing & editing. She gave me the go-signal. Double whopper for me. (No, not the staple burger kind... more like, positive inputs to my ego-tripping for the day.) I got high in senior PR class, too, from sitting in & asking questions for added info & clarification about the fundamentals of a subject I took up 3 years ago.
SAVED BY THE (CHURCH) BELL(S)... Our school held a Pentecostal mass this afternoon, on my Nihongo class timeslot. WHEW! YAY! Banzai! \o/ *snicker*
I ran into Jane at the cafeteria, & she was beaming when she told me we wouldn't have to "gruel" for an hour in FL. Gott Sie Dank! However, it felt a bit funny deep inside knowing our class was postponed for this day. I kinda miss my sensei now, haha! I've just realized that I get a kick out of her nerve-wracking recitation scheme - the way my mind would go completely blank everytime she'd start sorting & flipping out our classcards, then ask us in Japanese tackling the lessons covered. *ULK* So the gang & I hung out at the cafeteria to trip on grub & inane laughs. We also had to brainstorm for tomorrow's "debate"... with a new topic dished out, regarding the local government destabilization fuss. Oh, brother...
Finally got refitted. Have to be back on Friday for the "output". Then I dropped by shadowkat's, & all went well so far. Talked & had dinner. I felt like a happy 8-yr-old after having her superb mango cooler. j0yce from IRC forwarded me via 426 this really nasty VIRGINITY TEST. We had to laugh our guts out & prank on protein, who had the nerve to return the damn sms to me, haha.
Sheesh. Guess what I did in response to the wacky message. ^-^
12:00 NN I feel sick. Woke up very late this morning. Haven't had lunch nor taken a bath yet. The sun is up today, but it still feels chilly outside for me. My kid sis's feeling down & out as well. I have to go to school today, though. OCS 311 (Oral Communications Skills) awaits. My parents will kill me too if I skip classes by hanging out here in front of the puter. So will my FL prof when I come back by Friday. So, no thank you. I'll gladly drop by campus & get refitted afterwards.
It's nice how in OCS all of the juniors & seniors will be in one class. OCS is actually a new subject this school year, & all seniors of all courses are required to enroll in it. I wonder how it'd fare out. Will it be like Voice & Diction revisited? Or like high school's Public Speaking et al? Hmmm...
1:00 P.M. Prepared today's lunch & got excited after being sent in 3 quiz questions by my cp network's raffle trivia contest, wherein a subscriber can win Php1M every month. When the 4th question was sent, & I keyed in my guess for an answer, the system became temporarily unavailable. Darn. Talk about premium cp network service. I wonder if anyone does ever get to win by any chance in this kinda racket. Just thinking. Masaya ding mag-trip somehow.
It rained today, but I had fun. Bonded with the guys from school again & had my 426 loaded up. Our department's guesting on a local public forum TV show on Thursday, so I'm all revved up. Then I have my FL class to worry about... refitting for a new set of school uniform... & the makeover, kahit slight lang, yikes!
After watching this entirely soul-harrowing, class-A local film Azucena with the gang, I actually have forgone Kate Winslet's Holy Smoke as the most morbidly thought-provoking movie in my list! Interesting how things like that turn up, but that's just the way it goes, I suppose.
But for now, I'm definitely beat. Might as well catch up on my sleep & Nihongo lessons. Oh, & on dinner as well as housekeeping blues. Oyasumi nasai! ^-^
Have stayed sleepless all throughout the night til now. Made my kid brother breakfast with gusto. I even bade him good luck & a nice morning via 426. I actually love my kid sibs, mind you. Now I also know how a mother feels like attending to her kids & stuff. I've made them dinners & cleared the place after them, & I'm all gewd with it. Which reminds me, I have to get my Erma Bombeck book from Jen soon. Like later, if ever.
I'm still hyper. bluntzeta & I are talking about local flip fewd & now I'm craving for breaded deep-fried quail eggs & pure white vinegar like cra-zEe!! I had 5 of em/Php7 for recess yesterday, & now I want MOOOORE! Tsk, talk about morning sickness, bwehehe.
Back to my younger brother... funny how he asked me last night if... (ok, hang on tight `cause here comes a gazillion-quarter dollar question!) ...if I had people at school jonesing on me or something. HUH? Like, WTF?! I nearly fell off my seat & rolled down the stairs laughing my ass out. Like, why on earth would he care if he had serial killers, errr, dumbasses ESTE school guys crushing on his older lam0r sister?! I had to ask him twice on occasion where the hell did he get such an idea. He only grinned as if it was some sort of trick query - which of course, we have to declare it to be really MERELY hypothetical. Awww, too bad. Kala ko totoo na, ahehehe. I only had to grudgingly reply, "yeah, meron, but that was like 3-4 years ago!" Ho-hummm...
I think I'll need a major, MAJOR makeover. *gadzooks*
If I were to ponder on how measly my life has become over the past 3 years...
1) I've become very much immobile... no wonder I've gained weight & can't shed the added pounds off ever since I got `em. Blame it on the carbonara, ice cream & refrigerator cakes every now & then. Don't forget the neighborhood dogs abound that are making it hard for me to at bike at least for a block & back. GRRRR.
2) My eyesight has definitely blurred. I'll have to tell my parents I'll be needing glasses next month... it's painfully hard not to people's faces anymore from a certain distance. To think I have this knack for observing people at all angles.
3) Talk about being dull & insipid. The thing with learning Japanese is already painstaking for me, & recalling what I've learned over the past 5 semesters is double impossible. I threw all my notes & handouts away while we were moving here, so I'm left with nothing but sheer TRASH. Being a half-baked graduate-to-be isn't such a winning factor in Life's major survival playoffs. Darnit, enuff with the rock-n-roll bum lifestyle from now on!
4) I'm not growing any younger. Pathetic. Even if I can pass for a lousy under-18 slob in moviehouses, liquor stores, & anywhere else with no minors allowed, I'm still O-L-D & aging. UGH. Hmmm, at least with my oily skin I dun have to worry about wrinkles until 40, right? I've got to deal with my stretch marks & cellulite, though. Oh, not to mention my dire need for finishing school to shake off this naivete & boyishness. Gross.
So what's got a poserslackerlewser d0rk got to do now?
Haven't had dinner yet. Man, I'm bushed. Having a HARD time viewing Yahoo!.com with my IE 5.5 tonight. Good thing I was able to access Blogger before I totally got wrecked. Almost fell asleep a while back shortly after getting home from school. That would be a bummer without yet eating. I'm soooo drained I can hardly think straight. shadowkat kept me awake for some time, "texting" to me her woes, even though she actually wouldn't tell me why she was going melodramatic & shyt. Oh, well.
I've realized I have less load to take now, but still the choice is mine to either push through & move on with my thesis & other subject completions, or retake the damn subjects & be with new blood. *sigh* I wish I wouldn't have to put up with this kinda crap. Anyway, I might as well have to make myself comfy with all the sittings-in we'll be doing for this sem.
Nihongo was OK for now. I practised til God knows when this morning on our first basic rough sentence construction lesson so I dun have to put up with flunking next session again. (Thank heavens for my oh-so-zealous-in-Japanese-pop-culture kid sister!) More of the original guys from my section attended, so we had to start from scratch all over again. Yikes. But, whew! At least things were all clearer for us last week's gakusei's. And I have a smart classmate now whom I can ask for help when things get pretty muddling with the lessons! (We were from the school chess society 3 years ago. He was a whiz & I was a saling-pusa flop.) However, *gulp* there's yet Wednesday's class to brace ourselves for. Plus the fact that I have retakers for classmates this sem isn't making me feel any better. /me groans in desperation
Slept all day. Still haven't racked my brains for Nihongo class tomorrow. I can't stay up late as I've figured out... but it's almost midnight. I have my dinner to yet finish, the kitchen to clear, & my notes to rewrite. Another cold, dreary, wasted day.
I'm thinking on what else I should blog tonight, particularly stuff I've forgotten to tell while I was offline for so long. I really couldn't say anything much. I might as well shut up.
Oh, wait, hehe. I just remembered I'm getting cheesier as ever by the minute. I'm into the Spice Girls again, wahaha. Uh, count out their chart-topping overly-airplayed hits. Their unreleased tracks from Spice ["Love Thing", "Last Time Lover"] & their new wannabe hit ["If You Wanna Have Some Fun"] are what I'm concerned about for now. *snickers*
I'm suffering from a major headache due to fatigue [walking to & fro along the supermarket at the local mall], hot sauce [remind me never to get the Mexican Stuffed Crust pizza variety next time for dinner!], & lack of sufficient sleep the other night. Now my mind's all cluttered & fuzzy to practise on my Japanese.
But interesting how NU's Open House replayed DJ Diablo's Miami trance-sic session... this was one episode I sure enjoyed listening to. As what I've told some of friends via 426 before, this was one of them times when I could "rave all I want in the privacy & comfort of my own bedroom!", hehe. Anyway, the tracks were wicked - relaxing yet real groovy. I hope that edition gets aired again.
Friday was the lousiest day ever. Cold, dreary, sullen. I even screwed up in my first actual recitation for FL 411. I might even flunk the audition for the school choir for this year... OK, so let's skip the "I might" part & totally declare my failure with that act.
How was I supposed to know? It's been 5 years ever since I actually auditioned for a choir... it's been 3 years ever since I've ever been in one, as well. Argh. And umandar na naman ang death-defying shyness ko, langya! But I dun care, anyway. Nakakapanibago nga lang mapahiya, if you know what I mean. I've been used to major klutzing ever since I first got the chance to be exposed publicly in major social school functions... so whatever my standing before in campus was brought upon by numerous worthwhile experiences. At least I lived & learned, right? Hehe.
*sigh* I miss my other teachers way back freshman & sophomore years. They were nicer. Softer graders. Well, at least some of them are. Like my teachers in Re.Ed. (that's Theology to you, aka Religious Education), Math, Education, Humanities, & Science. They can be strict & formal, but they ain't TERRORIZERS! If they get chummy with their students, they keep it levelled as what it should be done in a mere superior-subordinate relationship. Walang tropa-tropa. Walang paangasan. Walang tirahan ng estudyante. PUNYETA. Oh, well.
KICK-ASS SENSEI (& I WISH I COULD JUST LITERALLY KICK HER ASS) So to recount my 1st day in Nihongo class... I went up to the scheduled room & met 2 students there. The doors were locked so one of them had to climb up into the emergency exit [which was open] & unlock the room from the inside. I saw this rather pretty Engineering/Computer Science instructor enter the room & got taken aback... didn't expect HER to be handling our section. So maybe I was staring at her (which of course can be rude at certain times for some people) that she had to snarl at me, "what are you looking at?" [in vernacular, FYI.] Yikes. She seemed intimidating enough to the point of brusque, but she smiled & joshed a lot... I had to be her dunce for the day, though; or so I felt like it was. Got her attention right on the dot. Dunno if she was amused with the fact that this was an elective for me, or I was from another department, or how I look funny in general. Ugh.
Prof: (snickers) You're quite good in English, eh? What are you, Chinese? Abbee Lamer: (stutters) Uh, no, Ma'm, I'm a Mass Comm student! NGWEK. NGWEK. NGWEK. NGWEK. NGWEK. /me commits hara-kiri
She explained the basics fairly well that Nihongo seemed to be easier than I think - but when she had to call us one by one to apply orally today's lesson, I felt RATTLED. As in! The last time I got totally nerved-wrecked in recitation was... 10 years ago! Freshman high Math class! [I'm such a wuss in Math, honestly. Ick.] I usually ace class recitations, but this was ridiculous! I stammered & slurred — & felt like curling up to die after. It was like I was the lamest student in that particular class, to think I was even vying for cum laude during my last term. She even had to make me sit in front, ALONE at that, & the majority of the students were guys. I actually wanted to burst into tears... but only shied in exasperation. I got to have a word with my teacher. I know deep down inside I won't make it barely scraping alive in her subject if this keeps up. Nakakasindak eh. But she's pretty nice naman. And yes, making sure that her students grasp her lessons thoroughly. Yun nga lang, she's very much renowned for failing a whole class for a term. Boo-hoo. /me ducks for cover
Makes me wanna scream, "SHIMATTA!" ..!.,
(MOTD) = Incubus - Turning Japanese (rare pseudo cover)
I'm online & haven't gone out yet to school. Haven't even finished preparing lunch either. I might as well take a bath now. But brrrr, it's a cold, cold afternoon today. Oh, well... I still have to go out to finish my schedule revision & finally meet my classmates in Nihongo [FL 411].
The family dog we had for so long died last night. Dad told me he had to bury her out of the blue. I could see Poochie looking sore all over & stuff the past few days, but I didn't mind it much. I even thought she was going to bear pups this year. Dammit, maybe I guess I should take her loss. She's aged so much, anyway. I felt a strange deep, searing void within me, though. *sigh* To think she even went up to me to get petted for a half hour or so last Independence Day... errr, night for that matter. /me could feel warm tears well up my eyes
Had fun today in school with Jim, MJ, Al Jo, Charo, & Joseph... my new colleagues for the year. A buncha hardworking, creative, blunt yet affable AB studes sure stirs up enthusiasm & vibrance within me for the day... hopefully for the whole year, for that matter! It was my second hanging-out session with them. Thanks, guys. ^-^
We first headed up to the school's penthouse where they had to shoot the first part of the campus's promotional video. Ahhh, the sight of sea & sky, the feel of upscale wind, & the dizzying heights made me semi-euphoric. I felt like singing "The Sound of Music" all of a weird sudden. (Well, I actually did, but did so discreetly! *LOL*) If Jim's plans for holding our society's Gala Night up there gets pushed through, it'd be awesome! Oh, well. Discussion of club/groupie activities, picking out a room for the school paper's new office, our department's new astounding developments, & what else had we continued as we all decided to grab a bite outside school.
We all went home quite early; I can hardly wait to loaf around with them again. I forgot all about Mom's badmouthing me the morning before & as she drove me to campus on her way to business.
I cooked carbonara for dinner in sheer blissful hazy-mindedness. Haven't cleared the kitchen yet though. Yeesh, I also have my laundry yet to do. Chatted with Dad a bit. *sigh* I'm glad he's nicer than my mother. I just can't take it that he's too nice for her. Ho-humm...
Check out loc0's issue 04, for heaven's sake! We at DRND have bookmarked his e-zine & I want you to go browse it, too. Trust me, you'll get a kick out of his (& his girlfriend's) spicy, in-yer-face, spitting write-ups & what not. I like burning, catchy shyt immensely... I'd be so glad if you also do.
Here's my kaibebe's personal space on the web, too. Smooth & easy color scheme & layout, eh? ^-^ Get a load of her stellar kaistah-isms! Tsaka, grabe, i-speysyal menshen daw ba akows?! *mWaH*!! Damn, I miss her... I wonder what's to become of DRND3, btw.
Yup, I know. Sure has been. I've missed cyberspace so much that I'm staying up late to blog my shyt to death today... errr, tonight... whatever. Anyway I'm glad that the phone line's back - it got grounded for a week due to the heavy rainpour brought upon by the onset of the season. My sibs & I were all at a loss with the temporary outage. But I guess it was better that way back then, so I could concentrate more on my enrolment last week. WHOOHOO! I'm proud to say I'm a bonafide student again! But I still have to attend classes regularly as required & establish rapport with my younger colleagues for this year, if not at least for this sem. Two whole weeks of offline activity. Feels good to be "alive" again in the actual world. However, I can't say I'm happier. Yikes.
Ever since school started, I couldn't help but feel ANGSTY all over again. I always have to remind myself of my vow to focus on my new 'skewlgrrl' lifestyle to keep my grip on things, though. Whenever I go around campus either meeting my classmates & batchmates for this whole year or checking out the new offices & rooms, I feel rather SICK. I get entranced in this warped-up, kaleidoscopic self-pity phase. Somehow I hate it when all these new kids in school come up to me & say "Freshman ka lang ba?" or think I'm one sick dyke. I mean, like, hey, I should get used to such shyt - but I still get pretty psyched out. Can I help it if I'm boyish & babyish all my life?! Can I help it if I'm sticking to my forever neutral fashion: drab colors, high-tops, straight-cut jeans, loose tees, backpacks - the no-makeup, naive, just-rolled-out-of-the-sack-to-the-point-of-homeless look?! Funny how Life has caught up on me in this respect. Funny how Life is also harsh to paradoxical substances. And to think it's already my 5th year in college. Now I'm pressured the more to graduate next summer. I know everything has a reason for being so... but then again, I can't help but be downcast about it all.
To make things more awful... there's my current dilemma here at home. I have to be home by as late as 9pm... so I can still catch up with the housekeeping & sleep early for next day's early work. Argh. My school schedule's posted on the fridge door for my parents to monitor... & my cp usage is restricted for emergency purposes, such as whenever my mom or sibs would contact me regarding my whereabouts or errands I can run. Talk about being majorly grounded. No late night-outs, no bumming around with friends, no overt extra-curricular activity participation... no vivid social life! Regarding my going online as my last resort - I guess I'll have no more of this too within their hours awake/attention span. So how the hell can I be truly happy with school with all the adjustments I have to put up with this sem??
"TALAP!" I decided to go back that Tuesday night. I met 2 other guys that my rehashed buds have recently hooked up with... we still hung out at the same old place... only this time we were in full view of street passers-by. They'd smoke & "text" to death, & Manay Titah would make us laugh our guts out by retelling [& re-enacting as well!] their funny tropa moments. The moon was at its fullest phase, so the earth was all magically blue then.
We "bonded" shortly after, a few minutes before midnight... a few before Beige's 23rd birthday ended. It was also my older sister's birthday that day, but I haven't had a word from her since. (Yikes, I might as well send a late birthday card tonight...) Anyway, you guys should try this yummy concoction made up of the ff.: a bottle of local gin, 3 bottles of the standard local beer (milder than the other brands which have proliferated lately), & a 12-oz bottle each of local clear & orange soda. Pass the shot glass around after shaking em all in, & for sure you'll be reaching out for the whole pitcher of the mix! Whoohoo. I like it when I'm tipsy, but I hate it when I don't get enough of the booze. Too bad. I hope by the 25th of September we'll have more of that yummy sip-up. And I don't mean just SIP.
Going back to where I practically lived all my life was such a blast. It was too serene that first night... I was walking along the straight line heading to the elementary school & new gas station, with the bright waxing moon shimmering atop the night sky. It was too dark though, but I was able to spot my old friend Beige on the road! Whoa, reunion blues! I was supposed to go straight ahead to my old commune when I decided to hang out with her & Boyong at the old soccer field.
It was just like old times. A great deal has changed... a lot of kids grew up... the tranquility of living there was still deceivingly sweet. But after talking with them 2 old cohorts, I've realized what made me hate the place & the people there. Fucking [and I mean SLUTTY!], shallow, appearance-keeping, rumor-mongering snobs & jocks. People infested with superiority complex, crab & colonial mentality. Sheesh. Now I actually have something immensely GREAT to thank for. I could actually FEEEEEEL through my skin how much my life has improved over the past 9 years or so. GOTT SIE DANK! I'm glad for my life now! Move over, bitches! Fuck you all!
Monday was a good, good day for me. The campus sure has come up with developments ever since I quit school. New set of faces... new set of rules... new beginnings, hopefully. I can hardly wait. The lab where I'll be taking up all my major subjects is still under renovation. I feel like a doggone freshman again!
Oh, but there was still familiar stuff left... like the library... the stale cafeteria... the lobbies... old yet young friends... old yet young "pet peeves" [READ: the people I so disdain running into the halls]... our Dean... my grades... thanks Ino, for letting me catch up with what I've missed. You're so all-throughout nice. God bless you.
Good thing I got cleared in the nick of time, & without Jon's help, I wouldn't be able to claim my evaluation report form on the 16th! [Jon's a reticent software whiz & Lynne's beau ^-^, FYI.] I really felt "WHOOHOO!!" Despite the heat that fateful afternoon, I was so pepped up that I could do just about anything! Well, I actually did the unthinkable... I went RETROSPECTIVE.
When I had to bid goodbye to the "dynamic duo"... I decided to go back to my old homestead... ohhhhh, I have a 3-part story to tell you about my misadventures there...
I was feeling rather gloomy last Sunday when Lynne told me she'd drop by after I called her up saying I needed help with my clearance & evaluation form request on Monday so I could convince my parents I'm raring to go back to school... for the nth time. Now don't get me wrong. I am just a dropout... not some real lewser flunk. You wanna hear the story how I ended up being a goddamn slacker brat bitch jackass dropout? Uhm, tune in & after a few blogs more, you'll so know. Anyways, I was glad she came over. We talked for a while... she & my sibs were also checking out the mpgs the kids here have downloaded over the past few months. It was a good thing I was able to find my clearance, registration form, library/Internet lab/computer lab cards, old calling cards, & tattered ID. Now all I had to do was look for my old classcards for my tracking form & keep ALL my registration forms since sem 1. Good thing I was sooo into school during my first 2 years in college. I hope to exude that kinda esteem for my studies again this year.
CRYSTAL QUEENS? Lynne & I decided to trip on our favorite mocha-zagu-&-fishballs' spree... sans my sis. But anyway, we had fun, even though we had to adjust to some changes: substituting clear, gummy gulaman "crystals" for the luscious, chunky, black shiny tapioca "pearls" in our mocha shakes. After munching our way back home with good ol' trusty roasted peanuts [natural brain food, man!], we launched into a lengthy discussion over our ails & goals. I had great news... she had tension. Then she decided to stay for the night so we could move on to school tomorrow. She had her last sem's grades to collect, by the way.
I was recollecting how much fun & promising this school year could be for me... at the same time how I wasn't over certain things - & PEOPLE, for that matter. She was hung up too. We then decided that our recurring melodrama were just plain sick distractions from our newfound enthusiasm to move on with our lives. I couldn't agree more. However, the pain as well as the ugly scars & shadows from the past are still undeniably reminiscent. I wonder how will we snap out of such crap. *sigh*
I'm back!! FINALLY!!!!!!! BlogSpot.com has recently encountered again problems with their server... but things are OK now. And I guess I'm happy in a way too. I've been offline for almost a week now, but it's been all gewd. Lemme recount everything from my rather long absence... but for now, here's what I have to say:
"I'm happy, I'm feeling glad...
I've got sunshine in a bag.
I'm useless, but NOT FOR LONG.
My future is coming on..."
/me bounces around in sheer joy *boing* *boing* *boing* *boing*
I had a good Friday night. Trust me. My parents & I went out for Chinese at a locally renowned haunt back here. We used to go there a lot - to celebrate their wedding anniversary every year, dine our house guests out, or just simply eat out when Mom's not in the mood to prepare homecooked meals. I remember after my high school graduation rites, we all went there & bought plenty of ice cream. (Boy, was I so stuffed that night! NYUM!) Anyway, last night was one of those "hey-let's-eat-out-since-there's-nothing-else-to-eat-in-this-house-and-I'm-fuckin-starving" times, I guess. I was excited to tag along... after all, it's been a while. So I dressed up & informed everybody what I was up to, hehe. Too bad my kid sibs weren't able to join us. Kath is sick & Sonny decided to stay with her. That made sense to my folks, so off we drove to the local metro.
The place was better now... in the sense that I didn't have to risk running into people I'd least wanna encounter on a night like that. Typical people hung out, usually older "jologs" folk, having a beer or two, which was weird, because the place was rather posh for them to loaf around its premises. I seem to be the youngest in the crowd, so it felt like old times... like being in high school back again. It was also weird not having my parents talk to me about how screwed-up I am or anything of the sort, which was a great relief. Even though my mom tried to launch into a lengthy discussion about it on our way there in the car, I clammed up. So did Dad. Whew. Now that was close. NICE. So we did just sit there to stuff our faces with grub. It was then definitely a good night.
We had beef with brocolli, the house's special pancit canton & nido soup, shanghai rice, breaded calamare, & mango juice. I know I don't have to go into detail, but then again... NYUM² kasi! ^-^ I know I didn't eat much as expected, but I was full. When my parents stopped by the drugstore & video shop for cold relievers & flicks to watch at home, I hurried down to McD's & bought a nice, cool, swabeng sundae cone. HAHA. Funny how I miss that stuff! Then I hopped back to the car & happily lapped up "dessert".
On our way home (I was in the backseat, of course... Dad was driving), my mom was talking about the streetkids who ran up to her for alms. One kid had his dad do laundry for a living during daytime & slack around videoke joints at night; his mom "sleeps all day". The kids'd do anything to get a shiny peso coin or so... Here was an overgrown angsty slob grumbling to herself how she was too old not to be allowed to drive & how "square" she still was compared to her peers. Then there were the squabbling streetkids who might not even get to go to school this year or so because of their indigence. *sigh*
We finally got back. Of course we brought home chow for my sibs & for the dogs, & I lay in bed for a while feeling drowsy yet contented. I've been thinking about what just happened. Felt rather too surreal to be true.
But it sure was a "Thank God it's Friday" night. NICE.
Funny how time passes us by SOOO fast... in a matter of days, school's up again... I'd most probably be "banned" during weekdays to go online. Darnit. GRRRR. But I'd do anything to log in, believe me... & for sure you won't miss me here. I'll keep you posted as often as I can.
Gawd, I'm excited... to go back. I'm also worried... about going back. I have no friggin' idea on what's in store for me when I set foot again in good ol' crappy... [nah, never mind where THAT is! :-P] But hereby I promise not to screw up again, & to be ready for Fate's challenges for me from hereon. /me fervently prays for the best
For sure my friends would be delighted to hear the news once I accomplish "negotiating" with my folks about coming back. They've been forever bugging me about how much campus life would be more fun [NaXxXxXXxxXXxxXx!!] if I were slacking around with them. Well, gee, I feel exactly the same way - that I'd be much happier surrounded by them. I miss you guys.
VIRTUAL PHILOSOPHY "In God's time you'll fall in love for the right reasons, w/ the right person. When that time comes, that love will be worth the wait, the tears & the pain, then you'll forget you ever cried..."
"Good friendship doesn't need everyday conversations; doesn't always need togetherness. As long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends will never part ways!"
"Being single doesn't always mean you're lonely. It can mean that you just prefer your own happiness & do not require having someone to achieve it."
"Love doesn't require similarities but rather differences to help each other grow. It's not how you influence one another but how you bring out their best that matters."
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an unchartered land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit."
"The best mind-altering drug is truth."
"Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in."
"We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion, just as effectively as by bombs."
"Change your thoughts and you change your world."
"Your friend is the one who knows all about you, and still likes you."
The following are just some of the insightful [and forever "senti"] stuff I've received via e-mail & sms lately. It wouldn't hurt if I shared `em here, would it? ^-^ Putangina, ang jologs ata. Tell me about it!
I went out last night for kicks... stayed by the waiting shed located a block far away for a few fucking worthwhile minutes. Dunno if it was just me & my hazy-mindedness or that evening being surreal. The sky was perfect... dark &, uh, can't remember if it was starry. The air was cold, breezy, tranquil... yet smoke-laced. ARGH. Hooray for burning dry leaves & yard trash. The basketball court was empty, which was a relief; the dogs were for some odd reason "off-duty" with their straying. So it was just a perfect, perfect 10pm setup in our li'l laidback commune. I even walked home after getting myself a dose of highly-prized zagu - an activity I LEAST consider doing ever since we moved here. I then hurriedly informed almost everybody in my 426 contact list about that scene... how I was feeling goddamned sappy... how *sigh* I wish I had a friend who lives here, too... how it was such a "hand-painted-sky" night. I took one last look & breath standing out there. Then I walked back home, straight up into my room.
I lay silently in bed for a while, taking things easy, thinking about nothing & everything all at once. I decided to get up & sit at the porch, & savored the stillness outdoors. Instantly I began to feel longing pangs for my childhood homestead. Life was so much better pondering by the streets back then & there. However, I'm grateful that I've lived this long to be HERE now. So much has changed, all right, but I guess it's better that way.
I must be around 34 hours awake now. I'm in this really bad figurative rollercoaster, & I hate it. Darn, darn, darn! It's just almost 8am & the sun has broken out like it's already 9am or so. Without my room's a/c remote controller, I might as well burn in hell today. As what my other friend has taken into liking of saying now, "BAISEUR DE MERE!"
Drat insomnia. I seem to have forgotten what else to blog here... with all these thoughts swirling in my head like milk frothing in a nice fresh cup of cappuccino as well as my eyes getting watery & heavier by the minute.
Ah, finally, I remember today what I was supposed to post yesterday... happy one month to my Drudgery & to kaistah's newfound happiness!! I hope we last until only God knows when. (Wag naman sana hanggang bukas lang! ppnsp) Awww, how time flies by... if it keeps going on like this, I might suddenly wake up only to realize it's the 25th of September, feeling lousy as ever. Ack.
Today is also a very special day... felis cumpleaños, señorita cariñosa shadowkat!! (So my Spanish sucks. You dun hafta rub it in, do ya?) That's why I visited her last weekend, to check on her even for a short while, despite my torpid state of mind & body. So far, I've junked a buncha e-cards on both her primary & secondary inboxes. I also sent her via 426 a trite picture message & a whole buncha other "inspirational" text messages to remind her of what's with this particular Tuesday. There's even an automated alarm set to go off every 10 minutes reminding me today's occasion. I even marked today as a special event in DRND's mailing list, & got a simple conventional greeting card, with that distinctive Abbee touch, ehehe. (Distinctive? Yeah right. Like, corny & wacky & certainly prank-sy! As unbelievably ironical as it may sound, I hardly get mushy with the greeting cards I send. I swear... I RARELY DO. As much as I like getting mushy cards, I send out more of funny, light-spirited, pang-asar stuff, like what I did last Christmas with my e-cards, plus with my highschool best bud Cres whom I haven't heard from in months!) As for something else more creative & less temporal in nature... I'm still racking my brains up to the last minute.
/me includes glutaphos in her next To-Get list
I was laughing my guts out mindlessly in IRC when I received a deluge of several ultra-delayed (and i mean D-LeYd!) sms... among them were of hers, & something hit me right after I got to read `em. Funny... the memories of last year's September 25 countdown were all stashed in some huge, dark, musty chest in my mental recesses . How could it ever slip off my mind when I still have the blue candle in my perpetually cluttered dresser, along with clear flashbacks of what occured during that fateful night? Yikes. Dammit for the nth time. Did you know that that single moment kept me going for the rest of that week? Gawd, you've always made me happy right before my birthday. /me gets sidetracked to September 23, 1999... Wish I remembered to return the gesture. But please, I hope you understand. Oh, forgive me too while you're at it for all the numerous "I hope-you-understand pramis" phrases I've dished out during the whole course of our yet deepening friendship. Fuck my recent weakness. Fuck my recent lifestyle. Fuck my being a poserslackerlewser bud. But someday, I'll repay you. In every way I can think of. My indebtedness to you is so great that I can't even stand to think about myself being a measly worm-like creature compared to... fill in the blanks. Fuck. Geez, that's what I am. One sick fuck. But I love you like it is. Even if at times I wonder YTF are we brought upon by Fate to be "best buds", & I feel drained with all the petty yet complicating melodrama I have to experience with you. I'm so glad to have you in my life. MERCI BEAUCOUP, as gasgas as it goes with our relationship.
I've deleted my 04/30 post by accident, & even if I know it's seething with mush, I'm still putting some of it back! :-P
I still can't sleep, even though the sun is blazing gloriously up in the sky now. I've been thinking of a lot of things... of what has transpired during the past... the past... oh, fuck the past. The past that somehow promised of something more than "the future that never was". Wonder why I feel so low... must be the memories of yesterday sucking the life out of me. Well, if so, let me die now, so I can die in peace. I could probably end up feeling more fulfilled that way instead of going on with this wretched existence I so allege to be "my life."
Playing all the songs reminding me of "what was" seems to help a bit... but of course I can never go on living like this forever! I wonder what's to become of me. I need help, quick.
