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wThursday, June 21, 2001

(MOTD) = Staind - It's Been A While

Yup, I know. Sure has been. I've missed cyberspace so much that I'm staying up late to blog my shyt to death today... errr, tonight... whatever. Anyway I'm glad that the phone line's back - it got grounded for a week due to the heavy rainpour brought upon by the onset of the season. My sibs & I were all at a loss with the temporary outage. But I guess it was better that way back then, so I could concentrate more on my enrolment last week. WHOOHOO! I'm proud to say I'm a bonafide student again! But I still have to attend classes regularly as required & establish rapport with my younger colleagues for this year, if not at least for this sem. Two whole weeks of offline activity. Feels good to be "alive" again in the actual world. However, I can't say I'm happier. Yikes.

Ever since school started, I couldn't help but feel ANGSTY all over again. I always have to remind myself of my vow to focus on my new 'skewlgrrl' lifestyle to keep my grip on things, though. Whenever I go around campus either meeting my classmates & batchmates for this whole year or checking out the new offices & rooms, I feel rather SICK. I get entranced in this warped-up, kaleidoscopic self-pity phase. Somehow I hate it when all these new kids in school come up to me & say "Freshman ka lang ba?" or think I'm one sick dyke. I mean, like, hey, I should get used to such shyt - but I still get pretty psyched out. Can I help it if I'm boyish & babyish all my life?! Can I help it if I'm sticking to my forever neutral fashion: drab colors, high-tops, straight-cut jeans, loose tees, backpacks - the no-makeup, naive, just-rolled-out-of-the-sack-to-the-point-of-homeless look?! Funny how Life has caught up on me in this respect. Funny how Life is also harsh to paradoxical substances. And to think it's already my 5th year in college. Now I'm pressured the more to graduate next summer. I know everything has a reason for being so... but then again, I can't help but be downcast about it all.

To make things more awful... there's my current dilemma here at home. I have to be home by as late as 9pm... so I can still catch up with the housekeeping & sleep early for next day's early work. Argh. My school schedule's posted on the fridge door for my parents to monitor... & my cp usage is restricted for emergency purposes, such as whenever my mom or sibs would contact me regarding my whereabouts or errands I can run. Talk about being majorly grounded. No late night-outs, no bumming around with friends, no overt extra-curricular activity participation... no vivid social life! Regarding my going online as my last resort - I guess I'll have no more of this too within their hours awake/attention span. So how the hell can I be truly happy with school with all the adjustments I have to put up with this sem??

posted by Andalusia at 6/21/2001 03:39:00 AM