What if, on Christmas, the beau finally breaks up with me, after years of our struggling to keep the relationship despite the difficult-than-the-average constraints? What if, on Christmas, I've been reduced to making novenas & crying? What if, after Christmas I'd decide to distract myself further with yoga, music, FOOD (because yes, it's that time of the month again) & the idea of combusting spontaneously?
It's that time of the year when I dread going out & feel doubly sorry for myself, but at the same time get (mildly) excited for the New Beginning. In line with the fuss, I try to make silly wishlists, & I ask for my friends' rendition in turn. Whether or not my silly wishes get granted immediately or a year after (or sometimes NOT AT ALL, much to my dismay) putting them in writing makes me feel less anxious. So let's swap. Haha. I promise to make my list as outrageous as possible. Should be fun.
But so far, here's what I DON'T want to get:
NO notebooks or photo albums NO candles (unless scented &/or really pretty) NO figurines or jars NO ugly pouches or boxes NO t-shirts with awful prints (unless you consider rock shirts ghastly, & in this case I'll gladly wear Slayer/Pantera) NO silly calendars (but the one with yoga poses in Fully Booked's good) NO cheap makeup — OK, I'm sounding pretty bitchy again — or dusting powder, & what other lame have you, like paperweights! NO sex toys (gagu ka AJ hayup wahaha) Most definitely NO fruitcake, either.
You read to inform or entertain yourself, but you're not nerdy about it. You've read most major classics (in school) and you have a favorite genre or two.
Honestly, I don't read in school. I don't like school. I do all my reading leisurely at home. & I don't like fiction that much. Or cheesy nonfiction, either, except for New Age stuff.
Funny how most of my friends' moms trust me, while my own mom doesn't — & can't.
Funny how I'd rather spend time floating on water than actually swimming in it, looking up at the stars & feeling totally lost in the moment, appreciating my solitude at quiet spots in pools/beaches. Downtime is so much easier to savor this way.
Funny how skipping yoga & tai chi, even if I'm NOT the most graceful/flexible person on earth, leaves me depressed. Those practices allow me to be forgiving & patient with myself while challenging me to push myself to the limit to no end, & I love how I'd be soothed & energized at the same time after every session. I'd rather do it under the supervision of an instructor, but I don't want any bystanders watching me do incriminating poses for the hell of it. Join the class, fuckers!
Funny how no matter what I do or what other people say, I still feel rotten about myself & I'll never be good enough for everything & everyone. I mean, I'm usually comfortable in my own stupidity skin but the hard part of growing up usually entails more responsibility for & poise in one's actions & I'm having the most cumbersome time adjusting.
Funny how chocolate & massages do wonders for my turbulent emotions, but what I really need now is a pint or two of chunky banana ice cream, with chocolate chips & walnuts, & I don't mind eating that all day. It feels like summer everytime I think about it. I must be in denial; my seasonal affective disorder's at it again. But I think my cravings are better than prescription mood-altering drugs, so...
Tomorrow could be a good time to get my phone done, eat halo-halo, check an art exhibit out, get another gym ID, work out even if only for an hour, get my hair & fugly face reconditioned, & try not to worry about the traffic going back home. I'm in such a big funk right now that I feel like setting myself on fire. But that's what happens whenever I'm PMSing, whether I actually get my period or not (the latter's so much worse, seriously). So 6 weeks apart since my last agony is so much better than a 6-month delay, but I feel so bad gulping down too much sugar from chocolate & ice cream, when I should be having more milk, mango yogurt, & bananas to curb my mood swings & keep my state of health intact. Being a girl just takes too much work, & I still have issues with my genetic makeup no matter what I do. So no matter how my posts get horrifying like this to unsuspecting male readers, haha, I'm ranting further as much as possible, whenever necessary, especially when I'm feeling extremely antisocial.
Hindi pa tapos ang taon pero I can say this has been a crazy year, & I don't mean that in a good way. It's been very costly (my fault, I know), very tiring, very traumatic, & very unforgiving (despite the countless times of blissful relaxation) but at least I'm a bit wiser now even if I find myself more numb everytime. I guess all I have to do now is be more patient until the New Year — which, numerologically speaking, is a good time to be more introspective, & thankfully just a few weeks away. 2005 may have been a blur, but I appreciate all my memories of & acquisitions from it more than ever. Of course, I will always be grateful for 2k6 in spite of my horror, remorse, hatred, & anguish... especially now I know who my real friends are & what my real worth is.
Anyway, I might officiate mock weddings soon, haha, in accordance with the Celtic tradition of handfasting. I might be setting myself up for eternal damnation wahahaha but I can't wait to be a priestess invoking elementals, tying gaily-colored ribbons, & tossing rose petals all over a consecrated kuno circle, hehe. All in the name of theatrics, fortune-telling, camaraderie, & the New Year. I have to include this fabulous poem from Kahlil Gibran (one of my utmost favorites; I can't remember how many times I've posted this online & written it in my personal correspondence) in my spiel during the ceremony:
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between to shore of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone. Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping, For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Haha, the things I'd do to forget my incessant loneliness for fun.
The beau & I were discussing about travelling recently, & I vehemently grimaced at the thought. I mean, I never really felt the need to go around because I can read all about them tour destinations in books or on the Net, or hear about them from my friends & random passersby, or watch it all on TV whenever I get the chance. Maybe I just hate worrying about packing up, rushing to the airport, getting comfy in my seat all throughout the trip (& that is why I insist on window seats forever because I'd rather watch everything instead of sleeping it all off), dealing with disgusting airplane food, unboarding & claiming baggage, travelling to our place of stay & rest, unpacking, dealing with homesickness (even if I'm just 3 hours away from my house at the very least) & dialect issues, then when the so-called vacation's over, I have to endure everything again until I get home. I'm very picky with accommodations, by the way. I want everything to feel like I didn't even leave home (or like I should be awfully glad I actually did). Don't even get me started with boat trips. Ferry rides can be fun & romantic on a lazy afternoon, but no way am I going to travel by water all the way from Manila to Northern Mindanao. They say the new boat rides are spectacular nowadays, like you're aboard a mini-cruise, but no, thanks. I miss them splendid Northern Mindanao beaches, though, with matching lovely vintas at the horizon. I can probably listen to Sigur Ros all day & my other ambient stuff (Radiohead, Massive Attack, Mazzy Star, Sean Lennon, Moby, even my staple grunge tracks) & try not to blissfully drown myself in the water, as if hypnotized.
Long drives are OK on familiar terrain, & Tagaytay's my favorite refuge even if I haven't fully explored its wonders yet, & more people are invading it by the minute. Just don't make me sit through a trip to Baguio at the most. I'll gladly fly my way there, seriously. One of the longest (& most surreal) car rides I've ever had was from my mom's hometown to Cagayan de Oro 10 years ago. It would've been awesome to drive through all that terrain with a flashy sportscar, hehe. Oooh, someday.
I'd like to run away to Hong Kong & Singapore & Tokyo soon, because I'm a fan of urbanization like that. Of course, there would be a few sacred places to look for there, then I'd fly back home as soon as I can. Shopping is out of the question, but I think I'll want to hoard a lot of items from Tokyo ^_^ the most, hehe. But the places I'd really want to visit are the following:
1) Iceland 2) the Stonehenge 3) Angkor Wat, Cambodia (haha mala-In The Mood For Love, & I'll whisper all my secrets to the place then leave them forever there) 4) Taprobane Island, Sri Lanka 5) Turtle Island, Fiji 6) Tahiti (para shark bait na talaga!) 7) Paris 8) Hawaii (pansin nyo puro beach?) 9) Colorado (for close ski trips!) 10) anywhere in Italy would be good, too.
All for peace & quiet, with good food while being close to nature, brimming with culture, haha. All I can do now, though, is wish hard.
In case you're wondering why everything feels so fucked up all of a sudden again, & I'm not just talking about the recent Milenyo devastation, please brace yourselves for the upcoming (but last of the trio for this year) Mercury retrograde on October 28th (((groan))) — effects can last as well as be felt for as long as a month before & after the said event. This year's retrograde affects people born under Water signs (Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio). Take care, everyone! Happy reflection!
This has been my schedule ever since the first set of my personal training ended early this month. That means I get to spend more time with Lynne, & I don't necessarily have to stick to this timeline. I can do yogalates on other days (as long as it ain't Monday or Wednesday). I regret missing 2 Thursdays for Bollywood — I better not miss my classes this week because I'm not sure if Bollywood will be a regular gig after the national competition & the Nike Yoga For Athletes (Y4A) launch in October. But I'm totally loving what I'm doing, & yes, I did make progress after all. I just hope I can keep it up. For the record, though, I'm still fat. WAHAHAHAHA.
TUES
12:00 NN kickboxing 4:30 PM yoga 6:30 PM Bollywood
THURS
4:30 PM Bollywood 6:30 PM hip-hop 8:30 PM Body Jam
SAT
8:00 AM tai chi 10:00 AM kickboxing 12:00 Body Jam 1:00 PM Bollywood
SUN
2:00 PM Body Balance (optional) 3:00 PM Body Jam (with my most favorite instructor ever)
Wish me luck. I wonder what October's got in store.
LIBRA: The upcoming weeks present you with situations that may seem chaotic, but they are connected with aspects of your inner self that need expressing. Look within to better understand your role in the obstacles that you are facing, but don't be too hard on yourself. Take a chance now to shine the light on your own shadows, for your awareness can release you from your past.
Holy shit, my birthday's in a few days & I'll be celebrating this weekend. Just when I thought the worst is over, here I am with another dilemma: becoming a maid-of-honor. In 2 months. For a dear friend's sudden wedding. Before my own 5th (non-wedding, of course) anniversary. & I feel like posting here what I wrote for Valentine's Day 2 years ago, a few months before the beau gave me his promise ring, something which I'd crazily misplace every now & then:
"We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another, get a new job, get a new house. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than RIGHT NOW! If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way."
--Rosie Rodriquez
Can't we be happy on our own, without depending on marriage? Do we always have to follow the supposed cycle of life, like our parents did? Can we not embrace independence & youth & romance & the future without having to be pressured by the thought that we all have to 'settle down' & own a cozy house by the suburbs someday?
If I do ever want to get married, it's not because I want to have this quick & easy solution to all my problems. Not because I want to run away from my messy family life, or be like everyone else in my batch from school, or be deemed attractive/adult enough to end up with a stupid rock on my finger, or have someone to keep house for me while I'd figure out how to snap out of my vegetation. Not because everyone else expects me to. Not because I'm afraid to die alone & half-eaten by an Alsatian rabid cats. Or my future Siberian husky to be named Sanzo LOL.
I'm sorry, but I just hate it how older people/mother- figures rub it in — that I'm within the marrying age range & I oughta have kids soon before 35 so I'd be able to raise the fuckers brats better. No wonder their lives are a tragedy. They just took the plunge pala without considering all the aspects to the subject. Then they complain & wonder why the world isn't like what it's supposed to be.
God, di naman ako cynical noh? HEHE. Nyeta. & I think it has a lot to do with my horoscope today. I have nothing against single parents or people heavy with child before the wedding — honestly — but I'm not going to subject myself to that. No, thank you. & I want to accomplish so much more before tying the proverbial knot. Hindi ako kukuha ng bato (boulder much?) para lang ipukpok sa ulo ko at sa ibang tao. Tama nang maging pahirap nako the way I am right now. SHIT, I'M SO STRESSED NA.
My personal training will be all over by Tuesday. Don't ask how I managed to go through all the sessions. It was pure torture, & I'm not sure if it was all worth it. I wasn't able to get a nutritionist to work with me & my trainer during my span, but that's OK. I think I can handle this on my own for now. My weight had been yo-yoing when I PMSed, but I think I'm on my way to purging at least them 30 lbs I gained 5 years ago = since I started this blog. Yay for past demons exorcism. At least I'm having a bit of fun while I'm at this scheme. I've made friends with janitresses & security guards, & I have my best friend working out with me. I'll be doing yoga more often & silly dancing & breathing easily without crazy trainers breathing down my neck. YAY! I'm free!
The verdict? After 2 months of insanity, I still have a potbelly, a double chin, an inability to sleep soundly, then more stretch marks on my biceps & thighs, plus more cravings for dessert. Is that good? You tell me.
Dear abbee, Here is your horoscope for Sunday, August 20:
1) Even routine trips to the dry cleaner become fabulous adventures with your sense of humor. Is it any wonder you're a people magnet? You're totally off the charts when it comes to personal magnetism.
2) Make a decision and stick with it. After all, you know what the truth is and you know what should be done about it. Don't be afraid to speak your mind, for you have the authority now to tell it exactly like it is. Granted, you may upset someone with your uncharacteristic obstinacy, but don't let this be your primary concern. You need to say what is real and then deal with the consequences as they play out.
So I updated my schedule, & it's been a month since I've started making a buffoon out of myself with what I'm doing, but it's pretty neat how I get people interested in doing the same thing! :P It's tiring, yeah, but it's quite worth it, & I think I lost a bit more weight despite my binging on french fries (McDonald's sour cream McShaker fries are BACK!!!) & potato chips & more crazy fatty stuff. At least I'm steering clear of whipped cream & coffee now, & I love my flavored soy milk. Hilarious. I wonder what will happen next month.
If my personal training starts this week, I'll be out every Tuesdays, Thursdays, & Sundays. Saturday's going to be a very constant thing for me, with 3 hours devoted to tai chi, kickboxing, & a new Bollywood dance class, haha, to improve my hand-foot coordination, kung may pag-asa pa, & for a better way to do cardio, because the treadmill's too boring & I need to do more than kill myself aboard a Glidex.
This would be my tentative schedule until next month, unless my trainer says otherwise:
TUES
12:00 NN aero (optional) 5:00 PM strength & resistance
So that makes it 10 hours a week, yay! I'll probably die before my next birthday, haha. I really should get enough sleep before & after my schedules. That would help me save my sanity & regenerate overall energy. But so far, I'm really feeling better, like I have not much time or patience for negativity. Feeling ko nga lang, my metabolism has gone haywire, as in hyperthrust mode (think WipeOut 3). This isn't all about the battle of the bulge, though. I just want my old mental clarity back, though acquiring a stronger body wouldn't hurt while I'm at it. Anima Sana In Corpore Sano after all.
FUCK I LOVE THIS SONG, AS MUCH AS SKID ROW'S WASTED TIME!
HOORAY FOR HIGH SCHOOL, CIRCA 1993-1994. WAHAHA SHET LOLA ALERT.
Lately I can tell that something ain't right I don't see the fire when I look in your eyes One time up, and the next time down This may be the last time that you see me around
Well it sure seems to me nothing matters tonight And all those things we worked out, they got lost in the fight It's not enough, girl, that I gave you my soul I just want to know if we've got anything left at all, and I say
Hold on now, baby, This could be the last time we stand This could be the last time that we say good-bye The picture shatters I can't find the words to save it Tell me what to do, how can I make it right We will always be fire and ice
Well promises made in the heat of the night You could sure spit them out, girl, but they've long passed me by Nobody knows about the show you put me through This could be the last time that I get through to you
Well I can't stand to see no more damage done But you'll never understand until you suffer some, and I said...
Hold on now, baby, This could be the last time we stand This could be the last time that we say good-bye The picture shatters I can't find the words to save it Tell me what to do, how can I make it right We will always be Fire and Ice.
(MOTD) = Poison - Until You Suffer Some (Fire & Ice)
Since I missed out on my tai chi & kickboxing classes last Saturday morning due to aching knees & puyat, then on my yoga & kickboxing classes last night because of the rain, I'm going to catch up on kickboxing & maybe cosmic cycling later this evening. Hopefully I can keep up with the group schedules from now on, pero mukhang nakakabaliw eh. Pero OK lang din, matagal na pala akong baliw LOL. So...
MONDAY
6:30 PM kickboxing 8:40 PM yoga
TUESDAY
5:25 PM kickboxing
I can also opt for a 6PM kickboxing class but I'm avoiding my trainer like the plague for now HAHA especially after what she did to me last week tangina.
WEDNESDAY
6:00 PM body balance (yoga + pilates + tai chi)
I can go iceskating or step on ellipticals beforehand.
THURSDAY
7:40 PM kickboxing
or,
5:25 PM aero
SATURDAY
8:00 AM tai chi 10:00 AM kickboxing
12:00 NN Nike Rockstar 3:15 PM aero (ahaha) 4:15 PM kickboxing (I could skip this naman)
Fridays are, of course, major rest days, especially this coming 28th. ♥
Please note na for entertainment purposes lang ang kickboxing chuva ko; mukhang di ko pa kayang mangjombag ng tao haha. Daganan ko lang naman siguro kalaban ko eh matetepok agad yon. Remind me to get PowerBars today before proceeding. Oh, & a massage, too. Hooray for gift certificates! Maybe ipagpapabukas ko na lang meetup ko with my trainer, pero pwede rin akong magpakamatay ulit this Saturday.
Dear abbee, Here is your horoscope for Sunday, July 23:
You already are a fully lovable being -- you don't have to improve yourself to get the affection you deserve! Remind yourself of that, especially when you start to hear those critical voices in your head.
NGE. But I looked like shit yesterday! Acted like a big (but happy despite missing my tai-chi class that morning) retard as well. I love my yoga pants, though, kahit nababasa ang laylayan sa ulan.
Just when I thought last Saturday was going to be a huge disaster with all the rain & the lack of confirmation from potential tarot workshoppers — to think I arrived pretty early at our assembly place, hehe — I had fun having too much caffeine in my bloodstream (what else do you expect from hanging out at Starbucks ALONE for 3 hours?) then spiking it all up with a bottle of light beer & a few laughs with some of The Doll House kids (Rai, Diane, Kimberly, Flor, Jeng, Synth) at a cheap videoke joint before hanging out with Deric, Faith, & AJ again at SM Mall of Asia for Superman Returns (when I vowed to myself that I won't be watching that anytime soon, haha, thanks D!) & a bit of window-shopping (since most of the stuff I was looking for wasn't available, how about that?! SA LAKI NG LUGAR AKALAIN MONG WALA NI ISA? haha) & a fantastic dreamy display of fireworks up close (tanginang Tadhana talaga, mapaglaro, eh kasasabi ko lang last week na Life is like a pyrotechnical show at times: better admired & studied from afar). Buti na lang tumila ang ulan kinagabihan.
So I got to talk to Wynzyl for a bit while I was waiting for everyone that afternoon, & I'm happy for Berlynn who managed to see me despite her sprain & fever (thanks for all the videoke tokens LOL), but I wish I could've dropped by this Park Square salon first to get my nails, brows, & my hair done so I wouldn't feel like crap that much especially with the horrible weather earlier that day. Maybe — finally — later today. I also met up with Lexi right after we realized we were kinda freezing in Starbucks LOL. Yeah, so much for surprises. We're definitely under the influence of a Mercury retrograde this season.
So the little things I were looking for weren't available at MoA, like my staple Aqua Mirabilis bars, yellow Stabilo highlighters, & blackUni Pin 0.5 drawing pens (what a dork, I know). BUT I did find an awesome pink knee-length skirt than I can wonderfully pair with my flip-flops & plain tops (preferably black). Too bad I couldn't buy it just yet. :( But maybe I should. HAH. Asa pa. The selections at Fully Booked weren't so hot, but I don't mind. I just went along with Faith who had to look for work/casual clothes + shoes & Cetaphil — shopping with company sometimes makes the hunt easier, but I really have not much patience for it, even if I'm looking for neat finds of my own. I'm a man like that. I always have to decide quick, with a specific thing in mind. I have very little leeway for alternatives. Faith also knows what she wants, but it's frustrating when we just can't fit into the things we fancy.
It's been a while since I've visited my kid sister Candy's grave. I miss her all over again, & I found myself crying while re-reading her last birthday card to me (3 months before she left) & the roses portrait in craypas & felt paper she made especially for yours truly a few years back. I think I should visit her today before making more stupid time for myself. Fuck the rain. I'm always S.A.D.-stricken, ergo miserable in July.
I should remember to get more scented candles, too, & get my health assessment + workout guide this week. If all else fails, there's always tai-chi to look forward to next Saturday. Will I be able to stick to the program, though?
Las Piñas isn't the same anymore. I used to love that place like crazy, & it'd always feel as if I have to anticipate for something (or maybe someone?) there. My parents used to eat a lot at the old Max's down the main road, then kids from my high school would all troop to the old Ever Gotesco mall (before Southmall was put up), & my kid sibs would go with me to iceskate at SM Southmall (with all them cute hockey boys gearing up for practice), if my high school best friends don't drag me there first for a movie or anything. I hate the traffic, though, just about everytime. I'm lucky if I get to Alabang within an hour while commuting through the main road instead of taking the cumbersome shortcut along Imus. I went to Times with my org secretary Lynne when she decided to transfer schools in my 2nd year in college, & I was devastated back then because she was leaving me so soon, thus she wasn't there to share my success with my other endeavors. I remember getting my heart broken first at McDo near RFC, then in the Shell Select convenience store parking lot — all in just one night, & making out like crazy a year after (first time, actually LOL) in some residential area only to be cut short because I got hungry & wanted coffee all of a sudden, haha. I fell for a tall half-Japanese geek guy near that place whom I thought didn't like me back so I tried having a 'girlfriend' for a week. WTF. LOL. (Nominal lang po!) I'd stay up late & drive around with my guy friends there just because — probably to clear our heads. It's safer that way, anyway, than to get piss-drunk & be devoid of any will to continue existing like what I used to do in the late 90's. I miss my kid sister. We loved Alabang just as much, especially the old Gameworx & Italian ice cream booth in Festival Mall. But nothing beats the old days, despite the wonderful combination of the Starbucks & Yellow Cab branches now fronting RFC (my kid sis & I used to match fraps with greasy pizza, & we'd have a whole 10" pan/box each to gobble up LOL), the cleaner Southmall interiors & updated stores, & more reasons to trek all the way to Parañaque. Why do I always have to brood over what's been long gone?
You set your sights high and you achieve a dream that would have seemed impossible a few months earlier. You have become conscious of your true spiritual identity and at the same time you have found the ability to relate to the material world. You find yourself in a realm where your guides can offer direct assistance. You hold in your hand the polished result of a long, difficult process of purification. Your psychic equilibrium is centered and is based on the principle of love.
You have prospered through persistence and fairness in the past. That is why you can rely on both yourself and others once you have asked for what you need.
I've been moving around a lot lately, regarding my upcoming gig. Greenhills (oooh, Promenade), Megamall (holy shit, I love the way it's cleaned up after all this years), Sta. Rosa Laguna (hahaha sa uulitin!), Divisoria (potah makalimutan daw ba ang Tutuban Center?), the brand new SM Mall of Asia (wow, Powerbooks & Fully Booked in just one floor? may iceskating rink pa & a killer cinema? SAN KA PA! I'm so there!), Blue Wave, Marina (at Roxas Blvd cor. Buendia), Rockwell. I'm fucking tired, though. I never expected this would be harder than I thought. I'm off to Tiendesitas tomorrow. But I'd like to thank S.P. Lovecraft Productions in cooperation with The Doll House for everything.
Unfortunately one of the kittens already died. I'm afraid another one's on its way back to kitty heaven as well. If at least one of the brood survives, I'll be a happy mom.
While thinking about potential flyer details for my upcoming stint (details to follow), I came across this promotional brochure:
Life is full of choices.
I can choose up to wake up early or to sleep in. I can choose regular over decaf coffee. I can choose to meet new people or to spend time with old friends. I can choose these sandals over those boots to fit my favorite jeans. But I can also make a choice that really changes my day.
I can choose to be beautiful.
Beauty is power. It is compelling & inspiring. It can be subtle & quiet yet always captivating.
Beauty complements my life's passions. Each day being beautiful takes me from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
Hehe. Yeah, right. But the price for being beautiful can be horrifying, really. I think beauty doesn't have to be always dependent on artifice or symmetry. Or maybe I'm just sourgraping because I can't afford to be "beautiful" everyday? Not when I'm commuting with a tendency to sleep amidst the long ride back home & a dingy suburban environment to make pakikipagsapalaran with. Not when I've already got major frown lines among other stupid things to acquire from age that moisturizers or whatnot can't diminish. (Stretch marks become less visible with regular full-body massages, though! ^_^) Not when reality has to take hold of the reins sometimes & one has to endure wa poise moments with much dignity as possible, like blisters on your feet from uncooperative strappy sandals or an upset stomach just before a major event or like what happened to me last year: puffy eyes & sleeplessness while mourning for my departed sister but everyone was telling me to fix myself up for the dignitaries connected to my parents who'll be visiting us to offer condolences (AMPOTAH PALA KAYO EH, SINO BA NAMANG GAGANAHANG MAG-MEKAP PA KUNG GANUN ANG NANGYARE SA INYO? NALILIGO NAMAN AKO AH, AMBANGO PA NG BODY SCRUB KO!) Sometimes one just has to hopelessly be oneself, supposed flaws & all. True beauty is radiated from within, anyway. How? Don't ask me, as I could care less. I think I have more pride than vanity. But if you'd come see me sometime, perhaps we can talk about it. (WAHAHA what a segue!) Oh, well, just do as I say, not as I do. :P
You know what is sheer torture? Having to endure 2-3 days' worth of kittens mewing out loud that just lost their mom to an inexplicable death. After losing my tomcat Sophie (I'm so much luckier with male pets, seriously! WAHAHA) last year (he's still alive, though, prowling the neigborhood) because I neglected my motherly duties to the spoiled bastard after my kid sister passed away :( who was also his mother-figure, I didn't feel like taking care of stray unweaned kittens in need anymore. Especially when Cody died a few months before my kid sister. It's a good thing Sunspot (another tomkitten I saved even if his mom Elena was here freeloading for sometime) still lives here, & I regret not taking care of him as much as I looked after Sophie. My brother & I just wanted to throw the damn new kittens away, assuming they were too little = underdeveloped to be attended to. But when our household help showed the adorable tiny fuckers last night & gladly announced that she was able to feed them a few hours earlier, I was so relieved. I hope they'd survive. I really want them to. I can't handle news of deaths anymore, anyway. They practically look like my other estranged cat Panther, Sunspot's half-brother. :D I sure hope I can rear them kahit papano.
Wow, funny how the things I'd be rambling about a few days ago come up as discussion material for other people, hehe.
Here's something I nicked from some online community — I think I need to remember it all the more these days, lest I'd lose my sanity completely:
Each day is filled with opportunities to make the world a better place. In any situation there are things you can do to make life more positive and fulfilling for everyone.
You may not always receive recognition for doing so, but that doesn't really matter. Because you, and everyone else, will still benefit from the positive contributions you make to the world.
When you are greeted with rudeness or indifference, give back genuine courtesy, respect and understanding. Though it may seem more natural to be rude in return, that creates no value for anyone.
When someone hurts or disappoints you, find a way to respond with forgiveness, kindness and peacefulness. Though you have experienced pain, take care not to prolong that pain.
Ironically, the best thing you can do for yourself is to move beyond your own selfish impulses and concerns. Seek to make the world a better place for everyone, and in so doing you'll discover the most effective ways to benefit your own life.
With your thoughts, your actions, your attitude and your spirit, you can make the world a better place, every day, in every situation. Get in the habit of doing just that, and you'll savor the rich rewards.
Happy Easter, minna-san! So far I feel so much better now. I love Circles. I love Suriya. I love my yaya. I can go out of the house with her in tow, & that makes daily commuting & whatnot so much easier. We'll be buying flowers again for my kid sister (R.I.P.) today; imagine if she's not around. So yeah, I sound like a BIG ditz, but I don't care. I love the beau for taking me as I am even if after 4 years I still don't understand why. Thank you, sweets, for making me feel awfully pretty, lucky, & special every single time, like a princess on a bad hair day. I just can't express how much. ♥
AHAHAHA eto nga pala yung nakakawindang na "obscure logic" moment ko nung bata pako. Haaaayyy, ang sarap magbalik-tanaw. Amboplaks kong magsulat dahil busy nga ako sa school noon.
Masakit ang lalamunan ko, nakalunok ako ng bubog eh. PUNYETA.
Finally got to watch Memoirs of a Geisha (with Lynne) & Aeon Flux (alone), but the latter was more moving (surprise? surprise!) & I ended up sobbing for quite a while in the toilet, LOL. Quite a first, actually. Go figure.
Ash Wednesday today. I had a 6PM Mass offered for my sister in Sto. Niño de Paz & I'm going to check on her stead again. I haven't been doing so for quite a while unlike last year, & even if I don't want to talk much about it I still have to take care of her that way. Her birthday's on the 16th, Thursday, & I'm going to spend the afternoon there, unless I get to drag friends out for some sushi & sake. Sama kayo?
Speaking of glorious afternoons, it really feels like summer now. Harvesting calamansi in our garden, hot sweet corn on the cob, halo-halo, clear blue skies & fluffy white clouds with birds happily chirping & a cool breeze blowing make it all superb. I simply love & can't live without summer, despite the sweltering heat & dust sometimes. I want to sip hot genmaicha or Japanese cherry green tea & munch on turtle pies, fly kites, enjoy long drives, & write silly haikus while letting Life sweetly pass me by this season. This is why I really can't be a goth girl completely as I can't live without my sunshine, sitcoms, giddy thoughts, & pink gear.
Plus having household help at home again is sweet. I'll have more time to go out & 'write' but I worry about our new maid because she's not sleeping as well & much as she'd like. I feel much better now at for once lumiwanag ang bahay namin ulet after a year of clutter, hahaha, & my room's much more of a livable space these days (though I hate when she makes my bed for me, ngeee — leave my stuff alone, lady!)
I've yet to really organize my iTunes, but for now I'm happy that my roster finally includes my favorites from Hackers OST, namely:
Prodigy - Voodoo People Orbital - Halcyon On & On Massive Attack - Protection Kruger & Dorfmeister - Original Bedroom Rockers
Then I also have my favorite rawk singles that I can just die happily from looping over & over:
Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise (remind me to download Soma again) Orgy - Blue Monday Self - So Low Days Of The New - Hang On To This Stabbing Westward - Save Yourself Flickerstick - Beautiful / Coke Luscious Jackson - Deep Shag Hed P.E. - Bartender Sing Sing - Feels Like Summer Incubus - Warning Shades Apart - Valentine Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love Veruca Salt - Forsythia / Seether Weezer - Say It Ain't So Love Spit Love - How Soon Is Now? Corrosion of Conformity - Albatross Theory of a Deadman - Make Up Your Mind Korn - Twisted Transistor Boy Hits Car - I'm A Cloud Dig - Believe Three Pound Thrill - Diana Nine Inch Nails - Closer (ahahaha) DC Talk - Godsend (sabay ganito, noh?)
Plus my staples from my ultra-fave Stone Temple Pilots:
And So I Know Church On Tuesdays Ride The Cliche A Song For Sleeping Still Remains Silvergun Superman Wicked Garden
I also have my share of both upbeat & smooth (bordering on embarrassing) pop tracks like:
Color Me Badd - Sexual Capacity Marques Wyatt w/ Gina Rene - Come Together Love Better Bonnie Bailey - Ever After (Eric's Beach Mix) Destiny's Child - No, No, No (part 1 slow) Mandy Moore - Candy Coco Lee - Do You Want My Love? Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body Joy Enriquez - Tell Me How You Feel Macy Gray w/ Angie Stone - My Nutmeg Fantasy Keith Sweat - Twisted Koffee Brown - After The Party Donnell Jones - You Know That I Love You P.M. Dawn - I'd Die Without You Diana Krall - The Look of Love Nina - Heaven
I also have a few Japanese tracks lying around courtesy of my youngest sister Candy (R.I.P.)
Do As Infinity - Holiday Bonnie Pink - Orenji L'arc En Ciel - Pieces (remember the awesome Toyota TV commercial?)
So there. TANGINA PURO LUMA HALOS HAHAHA. I am so stuck in the past. But nothing beats my muzak that I'm so outgrowing like crazy, & I'll be mourning for it as much as I threw up my Tekken fascination. I still love Christie Montiero, though, & yes, Ling Xiaoyu. TANGINA I lead a fucked-up life.
Made To Order is on every Thursdays @9:00 PM & Fridays @9:00 AM.
During those hours, if I'm lucky, I will be out of reach so just leave a message & quit shoving. Thanks. I might even try to catch Kylie Kwong's show & Avventura when life permits.
So what have I been up to these past few weeks? Well, there's bowling, the Fast & the Furious at Timezone, bingeing on fraps/donuts/pizza/pasta, massages (free & otherwise), wisecracking, my stupid flu, & my new black iPod Nano, hehe.
If there's one thing I really hate about my life right now, it's being frustrated of myself. I wish I weren't so indecisive. Or complex. All this time I've thought of myself as simple, but NO.
