Funny how time passes us by SOOO fast... in a matter of days, school's up again... I'd most probably be "banned" during weekdays to go online. Darnit. GRRRR. But I'd do anything to log in, believe me... & for sure you won't miss me here. I'll keep you posted as often as I can.
Gawd, I'm excited... to go back. I'm also worried... about going back. I have no friggin' idea on what's in store for me when I set foot again in good ol' crappy... [nah, never mind where THAT is! :-P] But hereby I promise not to screw up again, & to be ready for Fate's challenges for me from hereon. /me fervently prays for the best
For sure my friends would be delighted to hear the news once I accomplish "negotiating" with my folks about coming back. They've been forever bugging me about how much campus life would be more fun [NaXxXxXXxxXXxxXx!!] if I were slacking around with them. Well, gee, I feel exactly the same way - that I'd be much happier surrounded by them. I miss you guys.
VIRTUAL PHILOSOPHY "In God's time you'll fall in love for the right reasons, w/ the right person. When that time comes, that love will be worth the wait, the tears & the pain, then you'll forget you ever cried..."
"Good friendship doesn't need everyday conversations; doesn't always need togetherness. As long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends will never part ways!"
"Being single doesn't always mean you're lonely. It can mean that you just prefer your own happiness & do not require having someone to achieve it."
"Love doesn't require similarities but rather differences to help each other grow. It's not how you influence one another but how you bring out their best that matters."
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an unchartered land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit."
"The best mind-altering drug is truth."
"Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in."
"We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion, just as effectively as by bombs."
"Change your thoughts and you change your world."
"Your friend is the one who knows all about you, and still likes you."
The following are just some of the insightful [and forever "senti"] stuff I've received via e-mail & sms lately. It wouldn't hurt if I shared `em here, would it? ^-^ Putangina, ang jologs ata. Tell me about it!
I went out last night for kicks... stayed by the waiting shed located a block far away for a few fucking worthwhile minutes. Dunno if it was just me & my hazy-mindedness or that evening being surreal. The sky was perfect... dark &, uh, can't remember if it was starry. The air was cold, breezy, tranquil... yet smoke-laced. ARGH. Hooray for burning dry leaves & yard trash. The basketball court was empty, which was a relief; the dogs were for some odd reason "off-duty" with their straying. So it was just a perfect, perfect 10pm setup in our li'l laidback commune. I even walked home after getting myself a dose of highly-prized zagu - an activity I LEAST consider doing ever since we moved here. I then hurriedly informed almost everybody in my 426 contact list about that scene... how I was feeling goddamned sappy... how *sigh* I wish I had a friend who lives here, too... how it was such a "hand-painted-sky" night. I took one last look & breath standing out there. Then I walked back home, straight up into my room.
I lay silently in bed for a while, taking things easy, thinking about nothing & everything all at once. I decided to get up & sit at the porch, & savored the stillness outdoors. Instantly I began to feel longing pangs for my childhood homestead. Life was so much better pondering by the streets back then & there. However, I'm grateful that I've lived this long to be HERE now. So much has changed, all right, but I guess it's better that way.
I must be around 34 hours awake now. I'm in this really bad figurative rollercoaster, & I hate it. Darn, darn, darn! It's just almost 8am & the sun has broken out like it's already 9am or so. Without my room's a/c remote controller, I might as well burn in hell today. As what my other friend has taken into liking of saying now, "BAISEUR DE MERE!"
Drat insomnia. I seem to have forgotten what else to blog here... with all these thoughts swirling in my head like milk frothing in a nice fresh cup of cappuccino as well as my eyes getting watery & heavier by the minute.
Ah, finally, I remember today what I was supposed to post yesterday... happy one month to my Drudgery & to kaistah's newfound happiness!! I hope we last until only God knows when. (Wag naman sana hanggang bukas lang! ppnsp) Awww, how time flies by... if it keeps going on like this, I might suddenly wake up only to realize it's the 25th of September, feeling lousy as ever. Ack.
Today is also a very special day... felis cumpleaños, señorita cariñosa shadowkat!! (So my Spanish sucks. You dun hafta rub it in, do ya?) That's why I visited her last weekend, to check on her even for a short while, despite my torpid state of mind & body. So far, I've junked a buncha e-cards on both her primary & secondary inboxes. I also sent her via 426 a trite picture message & a whole buncha other "inspirational" text messages to remind her of what's with this particular Tuesday. There's even an automated alarm set to go off every 10 minutes reminding me today's occasion. I even marked today as a special event in DRND's mailing list, & got a simple conventional greeting card, with that distinctive Abbee touch, ehehe. (Distinctive? Yeah right. Like, corny & wacky & certainly prank-sy! As unbelievably ironical as it may sound, I hardly get mushy with the greeting cards I send. I swear... I RARELY DO. As much as I like getting mushy cards, I send out more of funny, light-spirited, pang-asar stuff, like what I did last Christmas with my e-cards, plus with my highschool best bud Cres whom I haven't heard from in months!) As for something else more creative & less temporal in nature... I'm still racking my brains up to the last minute.
/me includes glutaphos in her next To-Get list
I was laughing my guts out mindlessly in IRC when I received a deluge of several ultra-delayed (and i mean D-LeYd!) sms... among them were of hers, & something hit me right after I got to read `em. Funny... the memories of last year's September 25 countdown were all stashed in some huge, dark, musty chest in my mental recesses . How could it ever slip off my mind when I still have the blue candle in my perpetually cluttered dresser, along with clear flashbacks of what occured during that fateful night? Yikes. Dammit for the nth time. Did you know that that single moment kept me going for the rest of that week? Gawd, you've always made me happy right before my birthday. /me gets sidetracked to September 23, 1999... Wish I remembered to return the gesture. But please, I hope you understand. Oh, forgive me too while you're at it for all the numerous "I hope-you-understand pramis" phrases I've dished out during the whole course of our yet deepening friendship. Fuck my recent weakness. Fuck my recent lifestyle. Fuck my being a poserslackerlewser bud. But someday, I'll repay you. In every way I can think of. My indebtedness to you is so great that I can't even stand to think about myself being a measly worm-like creature compared to... fill in the blanks. Fuck. Geez, that's what I am. One sick fuck. But I love you like it is. Even if at times I wonder YTF are we brought upon by Fate to be "best buds", & I feel drained with all the petty yet complicating melodrama I have to experience with you. I'm so glad to have you in my life. MERCI BEAUCOUP, as gasgas as it goes with our relationship.
I've deleted my 04/30 post by accident, & even if I know it's seething with mush, I'm still putting some of it back! :-P
I still can't sleep, even though the sun is blazing gloriously up in the sky now. I've been thinking of a lot of things... of what has transpired during the past... the past... oh, fuck the past. The past that somehow promised of something more than "the future that never was". Wonder why I feel so low... must be the memories of yesterday sucking the life out of me. Well, if so, let me die now, so I can die in peace. I could probably end up feeling more fulfilled that way instead of going on with this wretched existence I so allege to be "my life."
Playing all the songs reminding me of "what was" seems to help a bit... but of course I can never go on living like this forever! I wonder what's to become of me. I need help, quick.
ACCIDENT-PRONE Oops. When Dad saw my scalded hand in the kitchen he told me to take care not to pop the blisters open to prevent major scarring. I remember having all my other blisters cleaned up when I was kid, so the suggestion sounded "huh?" to me. I wonder why. But oh, I'd do anything not to cause further damage. I've enough skin blemishes to last me a lifetime, thank you.
However, now that I've been warned, I'm more edgy. I'll be having a harder time getting a grip on things... LITERALLY. Albeit it's a good thing I can still type & wash dishes, I can hardly wait til I fully recover. :-/
Meanwhile, I got my right hand's index, middle, & ring fingers singed while I was doing some ironing for my mom. Then I had my thumb punctured with the crab claw I was delightedly cracking up to munch on while watching TV. I almost slipped too at the kitchen when I was clearing the place. WTF?! Maybe I shouldn't wonder if I step outside again & get hit by a truck real soon. Sure is hard being hit with the "bad hair day syndrome".
BLISTERINE Last night I wasn't able to go back online because while I got so excited preparing dinner, I absent-mindedly scalded myself with hot cooking oil I was trying to transfer from the frying pan to a china bowl. Fuck, talk about being a class-A klutz. I dunno what got to me back then... told you my pining for mocha zagu was THAT intense so as to get me distracted big time, hehe. But it sure was a helluva BAD experience. The sensation was so burning... my left hand's index, middle, & ring finger plus upper palm (where the life line's base is located in palmistry) were all covered with plain white minty toothpaste (ah, yes, two-flouride protection enriched with calcium for no cavities & fresh breath!). I had to cease all ambidextrous activity & sit by an electric fan set to medium high to cool myself down. I had to use toothpaste, by the way, since we ran out of Terramycin. Very effective for very minor burns... although I really do think that I would be needing immediate medical help for my dilemma. (Remind me to thank Rosalie for the innovative first-aid move.) I felt better after an hour or so, but it was rather hard for me to clench my left hand into a fist - I could still feel the sharp stinging. Now everytime I look at my hand, I grimace at the sight of pink inflammed skin with small blisters. Looks like I definitely have to make a trip to the clinic to get them blisters popped clean. They'd be really painful I suppose, especially with this blister on my ring finger joint. WAAAHHHHHHH!! I might even faint seeing myself bleed if I take care of these blisters on my own. Bummer. This should remind me to be more in focus next time. Shyt.
But then again, my thoughts drift to those severely burned... as in with life-shattering 3rd-degree burns, baby... as well as those burned alive (to death, of course). I wonder how they managed through such pain & heat. If I was squinting my tears back in sheer suffering, damn... you do the math. OWW! Dammit, I can only wish them who died "in the line of fire" to requiescat in pace. +
Little did I realize that my fave blog grrrl changed her site's URL, until stillb0rn asked everybody in the "pit" about it. Man, she still rocks. And taking into notice some of her blogs that totally got to me...
This is good advertising (posted 05/21/01, 12:57 AM)
Ever since KitKat started it's "Have a break, have a kitkat" campaign, everytime I take a break from work or studying, I get a craving for a bar of Kitkat. Now, a new ad's in town. Mike says, "A hard day deserves a hard drink." Since the days are getting harder, i've been reaching for my stash of Mike's more often. Now that's what I call consumer programming.
Whoohoo, neat. Well, ever since that ad I dont always reach out for a KitKat bar... but I do now remember to take lil itty-bitty breaks every so often... with a CADBURY TimeOut or Twix bar while I'm at it. I'm basically a candybar junkie (but I go for vanilla & cola-flavored lollipops & Hershey's Tastestations too... not to mention local soft, chewy, yummy Potchi's!!! \o/). Which reminds me... I need a nice large dose of mocha zagu real bad... :-/
Pondering over last week's events... aside from me feeling sick & bored... my friend Shy came over to meet me & my younger sister up. She came over last Friday morning, & we hung out Sunday night. It was rather nice & *weird* how I got my past bud [Shy] & present [Kathz] all in one living room. I wonder how it'd fare out if Lynne was there with us. Riot siguro, hehe.
SMALL TALK & CELLULAR PHONE GAMES Kathz was at Shai's (our little cute 8-year-old kumare, born Sasha Nicole) that night, "juz chillin'" with li'l Clarence so the three of us POJI's "crashed" the place. Nothing on cable TV was interesting enough, except for a rerun of that tribute show to Janet Jackson on MTV. The 8-year-olds had their bedtime set around 8pm, & Kathz had to make a phone call til 9 [her curfew] while we were sipping lemonades. It was nice though, yet pretty mundane. We said goodbye to Shai's warm mom & brought Kathz home. Then we headed off to take a bite along the plaza.
PSYCHOUTS Hah. It was nice how my sis, Shy, & I got along well, after a year or so of absence & irregular communication. Like Lynne, it was easy to pick up where we last left off. I miss the times. Good ol' spanking times. How we used to "psych out" people at school & trip on 'crappy' stuff. Sheesh, I was younger back then though. Now I know better, heh, despite my being more "socially isolated" lately. Man, we had a kick out of hearing Shy's side of the story, post-Tekken 3 edition. Pare, we really miss ya. Thanks for keeping in touch. And oh, for the new cp note. Sayang, ahehe. Yet, hey, there's always time for upgrades. Hopefully pretty soon I'll strut around town with that swanky thang, or with something else way better. Oh, well.
I dropped by shadowkat's last night for kicks, just wanting to check on her & crap, when it dawned upon me that I'm really not in the mood to socialize personally with just about anyone just yet. I may have been a perfectly lousy house guest... sorry. But with my physical status quo, uh, I just had to pass on the yummy bihon & sweet & sour tilapia. Awww, merci beaucoup anyway.
About her last sms to me saying she misses our bonding sessions here in my bedroom, where we'd stay up really, really late & get to blurt out stuff we couldn't actually speak out up front... awwww. Yeah, I miss having company too. Not to mention the times of sudden food shortage here [of all moments, yikes!] & utter silence downstairs. I like it best when Mom's not home, though. Now that's what you call a true "moment in time", bliss-smothered & all ours for the taking. *sigh*
When I was on my home, funny how these 2 songs played back to back... yeesh. "Make It Real" & "Changes In My Life" isn't what exactly I had in mind to hear. (*groan* ohhhh, another mush attack episode) Having my thoughts sidetracked to the past just doesn't help. I can only feel more keenly the emptiness brought upon by my loss. If it's supposed to be a good thing or not, I have no idea. I certainly don't want to dwell on it any longer either. So on with this stupid post.
Home-wise, life is OK. I'm getting to understand the folks here better; thus, feeling more compelled to be a more "responsible" & diligent daughter/sibling. However, it's just so damn hard to actually keep up with their so-called expectations. (Hmm, I wonder how many times now I've used the word "damn" in all my posts since day 1? Yikes, count in the word "now"...) Bah, whatever. Since I could feel my eyes getting heavier by the minute, I'll cut this short & tell you all about it next time. After all, I have the kitchen yet to clear & my sack to hit.
Yikes. I've just realized that the game resets for Archmage due on June 1st are only applicable to the Apprentice, Ager Guild, & Ager Non-Guild servers. That means I still have my Blitz Solo, Blitz Guild, & Beta games to worry about. /me gets panicky
Here I am checking out my "country" in Blitz Guild. Looks like my mage's empire totally crushed & I still have my guild affiliations to take care of. I wonder for how long have I been passive with my online playing... as well as for how long will I be immersing myself in this activity. Feels like I'm having a hard time advancing anyway, with all these opposing mages "rampaging" into my "territory" every single day. Sheesh, why ME? Hehehe. Talk about sex appeal online! [j/k] Seriously, looks like I have a WHOLE guild after me. I've been very aggressive during my first 500 turns or so, so I guess that now accounts for my swarming "adoring fans". *snicker* Damn multi-attacking though. ARGH. Too bad the whole point of the game is to attack & conquer. I can only defend myself to keep myself alive for now.
Funny how my best bud sent me this weird e-card bearing nothing but a depiction of a blue-black night sky with twinkling starlights all over. I kept refreshing the darn page to no avail. It's been 20 minutes since I've been waiting for any other special text or graphics to appear... and funny how I'm playing my favorite {s} song while STARING at the !@#%$^#!@$# window. Dear Kathz, it's hard racking my brains, believe me, for answers as to why you sent me this postcard. With my mind in an utter state of stupor, I give up.
But whoa, this songs rocks. Hell, yes it does. The band could curse me for supporting mp3's but I can attest to being an avid gripstandthrow fan. "Oh no... don't don't you do me... don't don't you do me... again..." In the meantime, muchos gracias to terens for this LSS-causing track. *mWaH* Hehehe.
Here's something sappy again (not my fault!)... interesting how I woke up this morning with this text message on my cp:
"LIFE'S GREATEST IRONIES: loving the right person at the wrong time... having the wrong person at the right time... & finding out that you love someone right after that person walks out of your life..."
Bah, humbug. Tsk. Do I actually have to digest that over & over again?! But thanks anyways... sure made my day.
No shyt. Take my "werd" "fer" it.
I'm calling in sick today... sick in the head, hehehe. (OK, just teasing!) With a damn toothache today (last of the wisdom toothing phase, hopefully) & that damned high fever manifesting with intense chills 2 nights ago, I could declare myself d-y-i-n-g this week. To top it all off, my bio-clock's gearing back to "normal" mode... sleeping as late as 12MN & waking up around 6am-9am isn't much of a relief either. I feel as if I'm drifting to a parallel universe now. Being hazy-minded & sluggish isn't my idea of spending the last weeks of summer. I surely won't be able to do proper housekeeping in this state of mind and soma. ARGH. The only things providing me with solace are: 1) the fact I can still go online despite the Win98 & IE 5.5 errors our pc has acquired over the weekend, 2) Drained's upcoming issue #3 (whoohoo kaistah!), 3) my nasty li'l new pink cp (hahaha, sheesh!), 4) hopeful thoughts of being a "skewlgrrl" again this year & graduating at last, 5) thinking that I can still catch up with all the get-togethers I've missed out on. Ohhhh, well.
I wonder how true it is that what goes around, comes around. Sometimes the people you've ditched so bad turn up again very unexpectedly, and certain events occur in a deja vu-ic light. Is it possible that their comeback can be more than just coincidence?! What if they were really meant to reappear? Why do they have to be in the scene again? For us to learn from the mutherfuckers/instances? Does this mean we still have unfinished businesses with such individuals/happenings? What can possibly happen next? As I always lament, what in the world is coming down to now?
But then again, some of the people & things that do come back are the ones you've been missing for so long... the ones you've been yearning to have & be with all over again. They're the ones you'd give anything for just to at least even see for the very last time. And wouldn't it just make your day if they do turn up & stay, for keeps? *sigh* They may reappear due to serendipity or true fate... whatever the cause is, at least they're back, if not for good.
Funny how my mood swings vary, reflecting on the music I'm currently tripping on. Don't laugh. Don't even think I'm a horny bitch for now. Haha. Chances are I'm just a plain ol' slacker brat jackass for ya. I've been into RNB anyway, ever since I was kid, regardless of the songs' lyrics, artists' personalities, music video makeup. So I guess "groovin' back" to my "roots" won't be so bad now. Color Me Badd's "Sexual Capacity" is just sooooo smooth & fly, methinks. I got hooked to it ever since the very first time I caught it on air. Hehe. I even could get myself caught dead thumpin' to CMB's old album (after all, I did thump it on 9 years ago... what harm can it possibly do me if I trip it on again? *snicker*). They were a good group; I'd kick them asses of those who'd disagree. With RNB, you can just hang loose without the tension, angst, dumb sobriety. You can while away with the beat without thinking hard. You just simply "lay back, relax, & enjoy the ride". No wonder I can never rub it off me after all the soundtripping I've done. Oh, yeah. *grins*
Anyways, there still are non-RNB songs I'm so much into nowadays. Binocular's "Deep", Tinfed's "Drop", & this other track that I, uhm, yikes, seem to have forgotten it was! Angst has swept me away once more with Staind's "It's Been A While". Just pretty. Perfect for rainy days & lazybutt hours. I'd like to thank introvert & Javi for helping me out with some of the mp3's. I sure also enjoy talking to you guys a lot! *smile*
Realizing how politics can be such a dirty, DIRTY game, as much as the militia is dampens my optimism. I've been suffering from information overload because of it; so far the frenzy has worn off. I'm back to normal (not to mention undergoing chemical imbalances to add up to the drastic vascillation of my mood swings). It sure has been a while since I've actually gone out. I missed a couple of mall hops with my mom & sibs, as well as several get-togethers with my peers online. Hopefully I can leave tomorrow so I can get a more functional mobile phone (as if!). Oh, well.
Anyways, I'm glad my best bud shadowkat finally decided to visit me for a change even if just to run to me for emotional back-up. I've been feeling sore & dreary for 2 weeks, you see, so even though I had to go out & be with her, no can do. Good thing she picked up the part that I was really sick. Somehow, it felt so good to be with her once again - yet another part of me clamored for personal space. If Lynne [z3ug] turns up here soon too, I'd be probably soooo relieved. Thanks guys for remembering me, & understanding my poor plight as well.
Drat mood swings. Lately I've been so depressed & high-strung lately that I've decided to lie low with my offline social affairs for a week. I thought it would help & somehow it did. Of course I couldn't help feeling guilty so I tried to break the ice. But then here I am, curling back into my isolating shell... I've learned a couple of handful of things anyway, so I guess it's all worth it. I dunno if I should take pride in my being ultra-sensitive lately with current affairs, after years of being apathetic; however, I am. The recent EDSA 3 revolution, which turned out to be a mockery of the real essence of the Philippine people power, was utterly, movingly pathetic. And it saddened me to re-realize the harshness of Life to less-endowed people. Maybe because I feel deprived as well, so I have no choice but to empathize. I remember in this local public forum show that one anti-poverty movement leader who was on the Administration's arrest list for inciting rebellion against the State made his point loud & clear on national television. He stated how yes, the indigent are being looked down upon as stupid, filthy, "bayaran", "mukhang pera" & "patay-gutom" (who'd do anything crappy for money or for even a single meal) by the pro-Administration group. Because of these labels, of such cited differences, the poor is just not worthy to be heeded or anything. They can't make a stand unlike those from the stock market, private schools, government offices, private companies, NGO's, & the like. How cruel & unfair can that be?
(MOTD) = Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet with Butterfly Wings
Ho-hummmm... another morning has come to pass. Finally, it's the first day of another month again ever since November. *sigh* This feeling is sickening. I wonder what I should do. I've been thinking so much lately again about my losses, regrets, and other frustrations that it's hard to focus on my life's good points. It's a good thing I've been able to bond with my best bud though. I'm actually still pondering on what I've said to her & shyt. It's quite a shame that I've remained sleepless since last night. I wonder if I'll make it through lunch at her place later. Oh, well. Maybe I really should get my mind off certain things by spending my time elsewhere. Funny thing, though - the more I brood, the more I want to wallow alone.
