I wish I were as strong, witty, & determined as I used to be.
Too bad I've become too moody for my own good.
The Queen of Swords, reversed, in the Hidden Self position, suggests that this Queen can’t be fooled too easily. She is probably intelligent, honest, and a direct communicator who may not tolerant much nonsense. By sheer will and determination she seems to be able to do what must be done, often setting aside her own sorrow, emotions, or pleasures in order to accomplish the goal, attend to justice, or keep the commitment. It could be that this Queen might have a tendency to become harsh or impatient with others, and may be a bit uncomfortable with open displays of affection or emotion. Others may see her as witty, if not a bit judgmental, but almost everyone would agree that she is courageous, and a person of some character. This Queen may have some control issues that need addressing with a mother, daughter, or sister type, which might be masking some resentment, or she could still be carrying a torch for a lost love.
xiaoyubeh: 4 days before my birthday 8 yrs ago i tried to kill myself
xiaoyubeh: the year before that, i broke down din
xiaoyubeh: a month before my birthday in 1997 i was contemplating on suicide
xiaoyubeh: last year i was fucking unhappy din with the world
xiaoyubeh: wala nang taon na naging masaya ako
xiaoyubeh: september 23 1999 was one of the worst days of my life
xiaoyubeh: andun ako sa bahay ng bespren ko na nag-iiiyak na parang baliw
xiaoyubeh: i was happy nung (2001) though
xiaoyubeh: pero it was still so much of a blur
Buti naman ngayong taon medyo OK na. ^_^ Drama ba? HAHAHA.
If it weren't for Shy, I would've ended up running amuck last Saturday. Much thanks to Gary, Kuya Mike, & Raymond for working wonders with white bread, cheddar cheese, butter, garlic powder, & vegetables, hehe. Glad to have my kid sibs & my beau's best buds pitch in as well. I know the latter was bored shit helpless the last time, but I'll make it up to you soon! Hopefully, for Kuya I-Am-Sam (hehe), lababowl Jek, & diva link Marky, my readings for you made sense. For my long-ago-since-The English Club ally Jim Ryan, thanks for letting me have my CAKE then eat it, too, hehe. Yay.
For a pretty ora-orada get-together, it was quite fun. But don't expect anything like that from me again — especially after I've been calling it off for the past 48 hours way before it started. There's plenty of drinks left over, btw! Too bad there wasn't much carbonara to go around. I hope the next time I get on with something like this, I'd have my most favorite person with me to help out... *sigh*
"Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would be realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such."
-- Henry Miller
For that matter, yes, I am grateful to be one lucky lame bitch despite all the pain I've harbored & let fester within myself for all these years. I'm glad to have at least someone look after me despite himself.
My world has become a better place because of YOU.
Are you feeling as if you're about to explode? Tension may have been building up throughout the previous week and until now there may have been no outlet for it. If you aren't careful, you just might take it out on those closest to you. Go for a workout, or clean the house. Engage in any kind of physical activity and get the endorphins going so you'll feel good again. Life is too short to waste being stressed and upset.
Tangina, easier for you to say, Astrocenter. Eh wasted nako sobra.
HAHAHA, I had a totally motherfucking sonuvabitch HAPPY birthday!
STIGGG!!!
Yeah, I think it was definitely worth it, kahit I had not much sleep the night before & I had to fucking cry myself to sleep again when I got home, because surprisingly I got all the more inspired to feel better about myself after sharing a rather momentous event with my kid sibs. Awww. Tangina, I may not be the best Ate in the world, pero I love you both! :D & hoy, AJ, TENKSHU!
I hate it when I get all worried & puyat kasi nagiging sabaw ang utak ko. I get klutzy & disoriented. Di rin ako makakain putangina. Sayang yung food & drinks stubs, pati na rin yung barbecue kagabi, waaaaaahhhhhhhh. Pero basta, makapag-DDR na nga lang ulet, hahaha. Yoko na ng dance pad available for PSX, though. Now I think know what I must have before I die — a DDR arcade machine! That should help me keep my sanity! WOOHOO!
Hayyyyyy, anlupet ng Kiko Machine — onli in da pili-pakking-pins mo makikita si SpiderMan na nagbe-bass guitar sabay giling at rampa ala bakloosheset macho dancer, hahaha. PUNYETA MENNNNN, panalo! Shet! Di kinaya ng powers ko! Dinaig pa ko!
/me nabading na naman
Maybe I really should catch up on sleep before I totally lose it.
Your key planet, Venus, is under some serious stress today as Saturn-The-Tester and Chiron-The-Wounded-Healer square off with her. You may feel the brunt of this as a sense of isolation. You may not feel supported by others — even those who profess to love you. You feel hurt. If any of this rings true, remind yourself that much of what you are experiencing is based upon remembrances of past pain. Healing can happen if you are willing to remember the past and then let it go.
Hmmm, maybe I do need to go out more... even if, yeah, I'm not so much up to even waking up on normal hours so I can go talk to normal people unlike moi. WAAAAHHH. Nothing would probably help me at this point, though — not food, not booze, not music, not even this blog, goddammit! Maybe it's just my being a month late again going on 2. Whatever it is, I want it over & done with. Right. Now.
Finally, after 2 years & 2 more derailing albums, STP has come up with the idea to release a Greatest Hits album this year, initially titled, 'Thank You", by November 11. The tentative track line-up is as follows:
1 Vasoline
2 Down
3 Wicked Garden
4 Big Empty
5 Plush
6 Big Bang Baby
7 Creep
8 Lady Picture Show
9 Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart
10 Interstate Love Song
11 All In The Suit That You Wear (NEW TRACK)
12 Sex Type Thing
13 Days Of The Week
14 Sour Girl
15 Plush (Acoustic)
It's unfair. They already have such an album coming out, & I haven't even seen them perform live! So am I supposed to be happy about this or what?! Plus why don't they have Dead & Bloated on the list?! WAAAAAAHHH. Why does it also have to be on November, of all dates?! Double WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. Why do I have to be this messed up, too, just DAYS before my birthday? (Good thing Shy beeped in to ask me if she can come over earlier to help me out on Saturday, though!) Never mind. Good luck with everyone, anyway, on their dates this week!
The Queen of Cups, in the reverse position, suggests that you come to understand that being sensitive, empathetic, intuitive, and often vulnerable goes hand in hand with a tendency to suffer from bouts of depression, darkness, anger, or even emotional abuse. The waters of life can nourish, as well as drown, and the deep feelings that cause this Queen to love, can also turn into feelings of utter heartbreak. Being gullible or empathetic doesn’t mean ‘stupid’, and woe to those who confuse the two! Her causes are sometimes superficial, irrational, or unworthy, when she feels herself to be such, and her judgment is often questionable, for she needs love to feel whole, and this can lead to poor choices, co-dependency, addiction, mental illness, or depression. This Queen may retreat into her own fantasies or emotions, and may have a gift for occult studies, the arts, psychology, or the mystical sciences. Learn and believe that "still waters run deep".
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers.... Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on the couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home nothing more than an embarassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life. But why would i want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are NO reasons.
xiaoyubeh: 4 days before my birthday 8 yrs ago i tried to kill myself
xiaoyubeh: the year before that, i broke down din
xiaoyubeh: a month before my birthday in 1997 i was contemplating on suicide
xiaoyubeh: last year i was fucking unhappy din with the world
xiaoyubeh: wala nang taon na naging masaya ako
xiaoyubeh: september 23 1999 was one of the worst days of my life
xiaoyubeh: andun ako sa bahay ng bespren ko na nag-iiiyak na parang baliw
xiaoyubeh: i was happy nung (2001) though
xiaoyubeh: pero it was still so much of a blur
I'm wondering if anyone from the usual posse can make it on the 27th. All I'm serving anyway most probably is my staple carbonara, a nice layered meat & veggie salad, homemade garlic bread, strawberry ice cream, Cali Ice, & strawberry Vodka Cruiser. Is the line-up bad enough? I want to take a break from the usual light shit fare. Since Kathz suggested we should just stay indoors, we could: 1) play oldskewl games like monopoly & gin rummy, 2) watch So Close or whatever else we have, 3) play Tekken 4 or so to death, 4) take pictures, & 5) just talk about anything like crazy over food. I'd be throwing in a few more surprises on the side. I'd be lucky enough if Shy & Ayie get to crash the place. You think I'm lame? The whole idea was to strictly invite close friends & pretty familiar acquaintances, around 15 people at the most. It might turn out to be some little cake party sans the hype, like what Kathz had last May. Maybe I shouldn't fuss over things too much. It would be so damn much in my favor if I wouldn't have so much to clean up afterwards, ne?
God, I miss this place. I wanna go back. Kung hindi lang kupal yung mga tao eh. *sigh* See the runway? Had lots of memories there, like jogging & biking & watching sunrises/sunsets by the rocky dike. Life was deliciously simple back then, & it didn't matter if I spent it alone more often than not.
Got a kick out of Miss Congeniality. Watched it twice! Even if the movie was rather formulaic, I like Sandra Bullock anyway. My mom got a tape of the movie not because of her, though, but because of the FBI & guns spree. I know, I'm that bored. But I really do like her ever since her old Working Girl sitcom (shit, so what if I'm THAT old?), & wasn't she so pretty in Demolition Man? I haven't seen Two Weeks' Notice, however. I don't think I'd ever want to. Somebody make me stop watching silly flicks! Speaking of silly, Legally Blonde 2 is out. The first one was crazy — but I guess it was all worthwhile because I was... HEHE, never mind.
I wish I had sarcasm & a gun. I wonder why my dad didn't let me in on one, when we still had access to a firing range & handguns at the very least. I wish I took up karate when I had the chance (& the nerve). I wish I got a driver's license even if my parents won't actually let me get behind the wheel. I wish I can just work this angst & all my flabs off. I wish my life wasn't as crazy as it is — & has always been — for me & my sibs. I really wish I had a gun. Damn you, Taster's Choice Vanilla Roast coffee spiked with Ovaltine & powdered milk!
LIBRA: It’s difficult to act as nicely as you’d like, but there’s a part of you that’s fed up with always taking care of everyone else first. Sure, you may still play the part of the perfect host or hostess, but what are you going to do with the resentment that sits behind your tactful smile? Others will still like you if you tell them what you want. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of your own needs. In fact, you just may have more to offer others if you do.
So true. I think this attitude'll last until the end of the month, I'm afraid. I hope I'll shake the feelings off soon. I don't even know why I'm like this at all.
