As hard as I could, I've been rummaging through my head for things to say, to no avail.
However, I think this poem from Paula Finn might just do the trick...
When You First Came into my Life
When you first came into my life...
I had no idea how easy you would be to talk to
and I never imagined that our early conversation
would grow into such a strong friendship.
I never suspected that we'd discover
so many common interest and values,
or that I could ever enjoy simple pleasures
as much as when they are shared with you.
I never thought we'd have so many
warm and happy times together,
or that your compassion would help so much
to ease me through the rougher times.
I didn't expect to feel so soon
as though I'd known you forever,
or to trust you so easily
with my secrets and deepest feelings...
I never thought
that your support could make such a difference,
that your encouragement would bring my dreams closer,
make my successes sweeter,
and my losses easier to accept.
I never imagined that I would grow to want, to need,
and to love you so much.
When you first came into my life,
I never dreamed you'd soon be someone
whom I couldn't live without.
"Educate yourself, and heighten your natural charisma by expanding your mind. Focus on building closer friendships, even with those whom you are already intimate. Profits will eventually come from what you are doing just for fun."
I never thought this song could be actually ages old. Never really cared about it before, Soft Cell-era, until the now-defunct local Put3Ska re-hashed the track in their sophomore album around 4 yrs ago. Finally it has a freaky feel to it, romanticized goth-style. Sure has gone a long way, from the 50's to the 21st century. I just can't enough of it as of now...
Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn
I can't sleep at night
Once I ran to you
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I gave you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh... tainted love
Tainted love
Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way
Once I ran to you
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I gave you all a girl could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh... tainted love
Tainted love
Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Yesterday I was reminded on what faith, hope, & love are, in relevance to self-help & success... thus, I write:
To have faith in yourself - in your capabilities, your thoughts & feelings, your stand in life. With such conviction & confidence, you can brave the world & make way for new avenues, to be a more productive, worthwhile person.
You think you can do it, sure, but that doesn't stop there. Doubts, misgivings, criticisms, failure, & other blows to the ego will always nag you to the point of despair. Here comes in hope, where you aspire & aim for things to be better. You ask for divine intervention. But even if what you get isn't the expected outcome, you can always hope for more. Dum spiro, spero anyway. While you breathe; thus, live... you hope.
Learn to love yourself, your work, your aspirations, the people closest to you. So no matter how Life takes it hard on you, you won't have to take it so hard on yourself & everyone else around you. Loving them others will also generate that drive for you to reach your goals, to hope for a brighter future, to stand up for what you believe in. But even if life deprives you of the support crew to inspire you to get going, you still have yourself, to both contend with & cherish. Give yourself a break as well as time to recharge, recollect, redefine your reason for existence - just the way you know you are destined to do so.
Among all the gifts given to us in Life, time is the most precious & yet the most wasted. How time flies, like I always whine about. Time can never be recovered once it is spent. Time is running out. Then again, it's never too late to change & live, as long as you put your whole self into it. Time is a great healer, as Experience is a great teacher. They work hand in hand, as they do with Chance. Allowing yourself to think & grow in time will allow you to be what & who you can truly be. Maturity & wisdom come with age.
Life is that abstract & vast, notwithstanding how small & simple the world is sometimes.
I got this little survey from my other e-diary, from dear ozmen:
1. Do you have any eating habits others might think are odd?
I also eat pasta sometimes with rice. Rice is that much of a staple food to me. There was even this one time when I ended up with only carbonara sauce & a pot of rice for lunch. I ate them combined in a bowl & happily gobbled away. Hehe. *nyum* But I can live with cream of mushroom soup & white bread so far.
I do not eat raisins mixed into salads, cookies, chocolate bars, & the like. I'd rather eat them plain, straight out of the box or bag.
I eat not because I have to, but because I'm hungry. So that means I eat just about anytime, anywhere. I can have dinner for breakfast, or breakfast for lunch. Most people I know eat by the clock, but thanks to my screwed-up bio-clock, I don't chow on schedule.
I can live without maple syrup or sugar on my pancakes (in fact I want ONLY butter on em), & without tabasco sauce or catsup on my pizza.
2. What was the worst date you ever went on?
Most of them lowly blind dates I have to subject myself to. I'm not such a good date, either, anyhow. I hate dates.
3. Who (or what site) inspired you to begin Blogging?
The sassy + spunky + sexy atomikai did. Hehe. I got hooked in an instant in Freshly Brewed. Then when our site went down for a while, to amuse myself, I put up this measly page & voila.
4. Have you inspired, encouraged, or begged anyone else to start a Blog?
Hmmm... twinx got into the habit. Ever since last year I invited a lot of people to do so; even my best friend. But most of them haven't put up any blogs yet!
5. Any foods you just will not eat?
S-P-I-C-Y stuff. Oysters. Wasabi chips. Soggy green leafy vegetables, like boiled eggplant. *UGH* Locusts!!! & all them other exotic bug + insides + unlikely fauna-turned-food mostly available all across Asia.
6. Describe the worst Birthday party (adult or child's) that you ever attended?
Hmmm... even though most of the birthday parties I've gone to were either so-so or altogether sucky, I don't complain, as long as there's plenty of stuff to chow coupled with hearty laughs. ^_^
7. What was the first music album you ever bought (tape, CD, LP, whichever or all of the above)?
Yikes, I don't remember at all. We already have tons of tapes before at home, & I loved the Beatles & Tears for Fears. I didn't even bother getting my own copies because we also had records borrowed in circulation, mostly from my posse & my older sibs' friends. Plus, I had the radio feeding me enough bullshit to last me a lifetime. I was that passive. But I think I had Color Me Badd's debut, which my best bud Cres & I were into (haha). When I fell in love with grunge a few months later, I got debuts of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, & finally STP & Smashing Pumpkins. My older sisters weren't much into rock/metal & I didn't want to keep anything around related to that around the house. That was the start of my own soundtripping as well as the assertion of my self-identity.
The Rollins Band sure has killer tunes with matching lines to boot:
Low Self Opinion
I think you got a low self opinion, man
I see you standing all by yourself
Unable to express the pain of your distress
You withdraw deeper inside
You alienate yourself
And everybody else
They wonder what's on your mind
They got so tired of you
And your self ridicule
They wrote you off and left you behind
You sleep alone at night
You never wonder why
All this bitterness wells up inside you
You always victimize
So you can criticize yourself
And all those around you
The hatred you project
Does nothing to protect you
You leave yourself so exposed
You want to open up
When someone says
Lighten up
You find all your doors closed
Get yourself a break from self-rejection
Try some introspection
And you just might find
It's not so bad and anyway
At the end of the day
All you have is yourself and your mind
The self hatred that blinds you
Binds you grinds you keeps you down
The world falls down around you
You build up walls around you
You wear disgust like a crown
If you could see the you that I see
When I see you seeing me
You'd see yourself so differently
Believe me
I know the self-doubt that runs inside your mind
I know the self that treats you so unkind
If you could see the you that I see
When I see you
You would see things differently
I assure you
Right. Just the things I need to tell myself over & over again.
Finally, Blogger's up again. It was hard getting through here, so I decided to let loose (again) in my other e-proj. I'm bored, tired, & sleepy (as usual). I dunno if I'm happy. I must be really losing it, swinging from bliss & contentment to indignance & dejection. If this is what four long months is all about, well... %@>#$^*?!!!
But summer is slowly blossoming before our very eyes, & despite the sickening heat it brings along, I love it when it's around. Here's a poem way back grade school days illustrating my love for the season as well as for the beach & everything else entailed.
Pretty Halcyon Days
How pleasant to sit on the beach,
On the beach, on the sand, in the sun,
With ocean galore within reach,
And nothing at all to be done!
No letters to answer,
No bills to be burned,
No work to be shirked,
No cash to be earned,
It is pleasant to sit on the beach
With nothing at all to be done!
How pleasant to look at the ocean,
Democratic and damp; indiscriminate;
It fills me with noble emotion
To think I am able to swim in it.
To lave in the wave,
Majestic and chilly,
Tomorrow I crave;
But today it is silly.
It is pleasant to look at the ocean;
Tomorrow, perhaps, I shall swim in it.
How pleasant to gaze at the sailors.
As their sailboats they manfully sail
With the vigor of vikings and whalers
In the days of the vikings and whale.
They sport on the brink
Of the shad and the shark;
If its windy they sink;
If it isn't, they park.
It is pleasant to gaze at the sailors,
To gaze without having to sail.
How pleasant the salt anesthetic
Of the air and the sand and the sun;
Leave the earth to the strong and athletic,
And the sea to adventure upon.
But the sun and the sand
No contractor can copy;
We lie in the land
Of the lotus and poppy;
We vegetate, calm and aesthetic,
On the beach, on the sand, in the sun.
Drat. There's still plenty of e-mail to reply to, & I dunno where or how to start.
Was loony again yesterday. I just loooove my manic-depression. I hate it, too, though. Haha. I'm fuckin' wired. (Oh my, no, that wasn't a typo.)
Been stuck to my other e-journal for the past few days. Couldn't help it. Yep, never thought it'd be real fun in there.
I was so glad to hear from Shy as she rang up the other night, but we didn't get to talk much. I was hoping she'd call back, but nada. I wonder what's up.
Recurring evening headaches aren't my kinda thing.
Last night I was so hyper that all I did was blab shit on the phone. I'm beginning to detest uncomfortable emo silences. It'll pass soon, though.
I'm glad I was able to talk to my best bud over IRC a while back, even if for only a short while. Hopefully I can get to be with her in person this week. It just hurts me knowing that she's down in the dumps when she's supposed to be excited & happy about her upcoming graduation. Dammit, girl, you'll be having a degree in a few days & you're still pissed off with life? What am I supposed to do then? Hurl my body away atop a bridge or a cliff or someplace else steep & towering to relieve myself of my frustration & misery?! Ohhh, please. Bottom line: look at the bright side, don't cry over spilled milk. What matters is that you're on to a new chapter of your life saga; there are tougher issues to deal within there. The fun's just about to start.
I had a nice Sunday, nevertheless, even if I had to sleep the rest of the day away. It's not everyday that I'd get to feel as blissful as this, anyhow.
(MOTD) = Marcy Playground - St. Joe On A Schoolbus
I'm getting quite pissed off with what this local rock station has just played for the past half hour... they got Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over", Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry", & finally Ash's "Lost In You". GRRRRRRRRRR.
Do I really have to hear them songs played today? :~((((((((((
Been through a helluva straining week. Not only have I been in physical pain, but also anxiety was getting the better of me. I know it's not news anymore for me to feel reeeaaaaaally drained, but I'm very glad to be currently rather relieved, even at least temporarily.
I just hate it how some people think I'm perfectly snug & fine when I'm not. Like my folks. They think I'm all cool with just bumming my arse around here, when I'm agonizing both physiologically & psychologically. Dammit. Why is it that they can't see that there is at least something completely wrong with me?! Are they that dense, or just plain too self-absorbed to know that? Fuck. Then just when I don't need them around to meddle with my affairs, they unwantedly & recklessly barge in the scene, asserting their so-called concern, authority, & expertise on the godforsaken subject of living.
Hmmm, just read this from somewhere:
"Sometimes it's really hard to express one's feelings for another, especially if they're that intense.
"For one thing, my personal cautious pride somehow gets in the way. I fear rejection & pain.
"I still mean every little bit of what I said before... I love him & nothing will ever change that, either. I thank him for loving me back immensely, but I still dread the day that hearts & thoughts may fade away, suddenly & inevitably. I hope he can keep all them promises he swore to me since day one. I know for one thing he won't be sorry for choosing me. I'll do my best to keep him happy... to love him back unconditionally as well.
"I just hope it's not too late, though, for him to realize everything."
Cheesy, but got through me.
I might as well go back to sleep. I hope to wake up a much saner person than before.
