Funny how most of my friends' moms trust me, while my own mom doesn't — & can't.
Funny how I'd rather spend time floating on water than actually swimming in it, looking up at the stars & feeling totally lost in the moment, appreciating my solitude at quiet spots in pools/beaches. Downtime is so much easier to savor this way.
Funny how skipping yoga & tai chi, even if I'm NOT the most graceful/flexible person on earth, leaves me depressed. Those practices allow me to be forgiving & patient with myself while challenging me to push myself to the limit to no end, & I love how I'd be soothed & energized at the same time after every session. I'd rather do it under the supervision of an instructor, but I don't want any bystanders watching me do incriminating poses for the hell of it. Join the class, fuckers!
Funny how no matter what I do or what other people say, I still feel rotten about myself & I'll never be good enough for everything & everyone. I mean, I'm usually comfortable in my own stupidity skin but the hard part of growing up usually entails more responsibility for & poise in one's actions & I'm having the most cumbersome time adjusting.
Funny how chocolate & massages do wonders for my turbulent emotions, but what I really need now is a pint or two of chunky banana ice cream, with chocolate chips & walnuts, & I don't mind eating that all day. It feels like summer everytime I think about it. I must be in denial; my seasonal affective disorder's at it again. But I think my cravings are better than prescription mood-altering drugs, so...
Tomorrow could be a good time to get my phone done, eat halo-halo, check an art exhibit out, get another gym ID, work out even if only for an hour, get my hair & fugly face reconditioned, & try not to worry about the traffic going back home. I'm in such a big funk right now that I feel like setting myself on fire. But that's what happens whenever I'm PMSing, whether I actually get my period or not (the latter's so much worse, seriously). So 6 weeks apart since my last agony is so much better than a 6-month delay, but I feel so bad gulping down too much sugar from chocolate & ice cream, when I should be having more milk, mango yogurt, & bananas to curb my mood swings & keep my state of health intact. Being a girl just takes too much work, & I still have issues with my genetic makeup no matter what I do. So no matter how my posts get horrifying like this to unsuspecting male readers, haha, I'm ranting further as much as possible, whenever necessary, especially when I'm feeling extremely antisocial.
Hindi pa tapos ang taon pero I can say this has been a crazy year, & I don't mean that in a good way. It's been very costly (my fault, I know), very tiring, very traumatic, & very unforgiving (despite the countless times of blissful relaxation) but at least I'm a bit wiser now even if I find myself more numb everytime. I guess all I have to do now is be more patient until the New Year — which, numerologically speaking, is a good time to be more introspective, & thankfully just a few weeks away. 2005 may have been a blur, but I appreciate all my memories of & acquisitions from it more than ever. Of course, I will always be grateful for 2k6 in spite of my horror, remorse, hatred, & anguish... especially now I know who my real friends are & what my real worth is.
Anyway, I might officiate mock weddings soon, haha, in accordance with the Celtic tradition of handfasting. I might be setting myself up for eternal damnation wahahaha but I can't wait to be a priestess invoking elementals, tying gaily-colored ribbons, & tossing rose petals all over a consecrated kuno circle, hehe. All in the name of theatrics, fortune-telling, camaraderie, & the New Year. I have to include this fabulous poem from Kahlil Gibran (one of my utmost favorites; I can't remember how many times I've posted this online & written it in my personal correspondence) in my spiel during the ceremony:
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between to shore of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone. Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping, For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Haha, the things I'd do to forget my incessant loneliness for fun.
The beau & I were discussing about travelling recently, & I vehemently grimaced at the thought. I mean, I never really felt the need to go around because I can read all about them tour destinations in books or on the Net, or hear about them from my friends & random passersby, or watch it all on TV whenever I get the chance. Maybe I just hate worrying about packing up, rushing to the airport, getting comfy in my seat all throughout the trip (& that is why I insist on window seats forever because I'd rather watch everything instead of sleeping it all off), dealing with disgusting airplane food, unboarding & claiming baggage, travelling to our place of stay & rest, unpacking, dealing with homesickness (even if I'm just 3 hours away from my house at the very least) & dialect issues, then when the so-called vacation's over, I have to endure everything again until I get home. I'm very picky with accommodations, by the way. I want everything to feel like I didn't even leave home (or like I should be awfully glad I actually did). Don't even get me started with boat trips. Ferry rides can be fun & romantic on a lazy afternoon, but no way am I going to travel by water all the way from Manila to Northern Mindanao. They say the new boat rides are spectacular nowadays, like you're aboard a mini-cruise, but no, thanks. I miss them splendid Northern Mindanao beaches, though, with matching lovely vintas at the horizon. I can probably listen to Sigur Ros all day & my other ambient stuff (Radiohead, Massive Attack, Mazzy Star, Sean Lennon, Moby, even my staple grunge tracks) & try not to blissfully drown myself in the water, as if hypnotized.
Long drives are OK on familiar terrain, & Tagaytay's my favorite refuge even if I haven't fully explored its wonders yet, & more people are invading it by the minute. Just don't make me sit through a trip to Baguio at the most. I'll gladly fly my way there, seriously. One of the longest (& most surreal) car rides I've ever had was from my mom's hometown to Cagayan de Oro 10 years ago. It would've been awesome to drive through all that terrain with a flashy sportscar, hehe. Oooh, someday.
I'd like to run away to Hong Kong & Singapore & Tokyo soon, because I'm a fan of urbanization like that. Of course, there would be a few sacred places to look for there, then I'd fly back home as soon as I can. Shopping is out of the question, but I think I'll want to hoard a lot of items from Tokyo ^_^ the most, hehe. But the places I'd really want to visit are the following:
1) Iceland 2) the Stonehenge 3) Angkor Wat, Cambodia (haha mala-In The Mood For Love, & I'll whisper all my secrets to the place then leave them forever there) 4) Taprobane Island, Sri Lanka 5) Turtle Island, Fiji 6) Tahiti (para shark bait na talaga!) 7) Paris 8) Hawaii (pansin nyo puro beach?) 9) Colorado (for close ski trips!) 10) anywhere in Italy would be good, too.
All for peace & quiet, with good food while being close to nature, brimming with culture, haha. All I can do now, though, is wish hard.