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hold me closer,
let me go away...



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wSaturday, April 16, 2005

I've realized I'm still in so much shock since my younger sister passed away that I've been unconsciously dodging feelings of guilt & hurt & mourning, only to have them backfire devastatingly & haunt me ad nauseam. My dreams of her are more bizarre than ever, but I'm already seeing a pattern, & it kills me everytime I think about her. It's been more than a week since I've visited her grave & bedecked it with fresh flowers. I didn't even stay long then. I'm afraid this is going to be a long year. I terribly miss her & there's nothing I can do about it except whine. I can't even bring myself to cry it all out. I still feel so horribly numb, & I can't help but wish I died in her place.

I thought she could look after herself, being the maangas & palaban that we've known her to morph into, but why didn't she?!

& why wasn't I able to do anything about it??

Please pray for her eternal repose. She doesn't deserve damnation. She lived true to her ideals & inspired me drastically. She's always been there for me even if she never really felt I was rooting for her. Please pray for my sanity as well. I don't think I can hold on much longer.

(MOTD) = Nickelback - Too Bad / Seether - Fine Again

posted by Andalusia at 4/16/2005 06:51:00 AM