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wSaturday, April 16, 2005

I've realized I'm still in so much shock since my younger sister passed away that I've been unconsciously dodging feelings of guilt & hurt & mourning, only to have them backfire devastatingly & haunt me ad nauseam. My dreams of her are more bizarre than ever, but I'm already seeing a pattern, & it kills me everytime I think about her. It's been more than a week since I've visited her grave & bedecked it with fresh flowers. I didn't even stay long then. I'm afraid this is going to be a long year. I terribly miss her & there's nothing I can do about it except whine. I can't even bring myself to cry it all out. I still feel so horribly numb, & I can't help but wish I died in her place.

I thought she could look after herself, being the maangas & palaban that we've known her to morph into, but why didn't she?!

& why wasn't I able to do anything about it??

Please pray for her eternal repose. She doesn't deserve damnation. She lived true to her ideals & inspired me drastically. She's always been there for me even if she never really felt I was rooting for her. Please pray for my sanity as well. I don't think I can hold on much longer.

(MOTD) = Nickelback - Too Bad / Seether - Fine Again

posted by Andalusia at 4/16/2005 06:51:00 AM

wSunday, April 03, 2005

Yeah, I've grown to be pretty insecure during my most formative years, but I know I'm better than that because basically I really didn't care about how I looked like or what impression I was making as long as I was being myself & having the time of life. They said I was really pretty & smart around 20 years ago, but what mattered more to me was that I could play outdoors under the sweltering heat of the sun & exposed to the harsh elements then stay indoors & read/watch/EAT what I want. In other words, I didn't care about my skin (despite how fucking sensitive it is, up to this day), my hair, my weight, my clothes (as long as I was wearing skirts or shorts even if I'm climbing trees, I'd be all set), & my unruly, tomboy behavior. My mom, when I was 9, used to scream at me in front of the other girls I was friends with because she'd compare my legs, for example, to theirs. I always came home with a scraped knee or some other nasty wound because I fell off a tree or a bike. The worst was when I sprained my ankle in our measly yard when I was in sophomore high. She'd tell me to fix myself up & act more like my age & God-given gender. WHAT THE HELL. It's not that I picked fistfights or anything, did I? I wish I didn't listen to her at all. I should've gone on with my crazy antics. At least I wouldn't have been so serious & frustrated with myself, especially in high school.

Now, even if I'm hitting 30 soon, I still hardly care how I look like, as long as I don't stink or feel awkward in my clothes. Though the most painful part of adulthood requires people to comply to certain dress codes & standards of aesthetics, I guess it'll take more time for me to really "mature". Sure I can help select tasteful wardrobe (naks) for my girl friends & I took after my mom designing gowns on paper, but I really just don't feel like dressing myself. I wish I were like other plus-sized girls who are so sexily comfortable with themselves. But I guess that's the thing, I don't see myself as SEXY at all. For example, if I were to pick between Anna Williams of Tekken 3 or Ling Xiaoyu, well, I think you already the answer to that. Or between Kitty-N & Shorty of Bust-A-Move, I'd always go for cute little Shorty! PUTANGINA. I'M SUCH AN ISIP-BATANG TOMBOY. BWISET. Games & music & movies & food & friends & technology matter more to me than fashion & girly gossip & dating & makeup & other diva bullshit.

As for losing weight? Heaven help me. But it's mighty amusing to note that some people do find me fckn hot & fabulous WTF RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHA despite my flab & drab. Even if they're not man enough to *ack* admit it. Ooh. /me dies laughing in disbelief

Because of that, I adore all the more the only one who've been brave enough to do so around 3 years ago. *sigh*

(MOTD) = Bonnie Bailey - Ever After (Eric's Beach Mix)

posted by Andalusia at 4/03/2005 05:13:00 PM