Finally I got my mom to talk to me about my drastic + erratic time of the month woes. I'm sorry if I'm going to gross you out with this post, but I don't care. I'm hurting & restless & bleeding to death, & I don't know what to do with my life at this point. I have to see a fucking doctor for chrissakes soon, but now she's scared me (again) with details on how traumatic a visit to a gyne can very much be when you're "dalaga" pa & shit. I really have to get a checkup, though, even if I'm scared shitless. How on earth will I be able to function normally in school if I've got health issues like this? I keep telling her about my plight, but she didn't care before, saying it was just a phase & all I have to do is exercise like I used to again. Leche. Easy for us to say, when I'm depressed all the time. :/
But I'm glad it's my time of the month again & I got it on schedule, since I don't remember when was the last time I went through it. Maybe 2-3 months ago? I'm that screwed up. Usually stress aggravates things so I'd end up getting really delayed. No wonder I felt so mixed up & bloated last week. But aren't ovulating females supposed to look better than the usual? How come I looked like shit on my birthday?! (Oh, wait, I look like shit all year long!)
I think I'm halfway through my period, but I still feel sick. Before I realized I had it coming, a couple of days ago I felt so spent of my energy, even if all I did back then was wake up pretty early before sunup, eat after every 4 hours, then zonk out come sunset. What the hell. Now I can't even think straight, but at least I won another online scrabble bout, hehehe.
Pardon me for my inanity brought upon by a dire lack of iron & estrogen, but I just have to rant about this somehow. I hardly talk about my issues at all, especially offline. Sure, I hang out with girls more often than not now, but I can't actually bitch about what I'm going through. I was worse before, come to think of it. During my time when everybody was scrambling through puberty for dear life while I hated having to worry about bras & breakouts, I managed to play it cool like I didn't even suffer from it ever. I had it later in life compared to my peers & older sisters, so you can just imagine how panic-stricken I was having to renounce my old ways of living (climbing trees, playing street baseball & other "war games" with the boys, experimenting with so-called sandlots & biking nang walang pakundangan, among other crazy, wa poise antics) & keep myself sane through such awkwardness. Now that I know better, I'm more open to things. Heck, even queuing up in a busy convenience store for uhm, my stuff for such whacked-out times. Ugh.
I'm still a major prude, however. I'm not comfortable elaborating further shit about my uh, sexuality. HAHA. But I'm fairly OK with my being a girl na, & I guess that all that matters for now, even I still need to work on expressing my femininity all the more.
